Life Goes On
by secondchance123
Summary: Story after Keep Moving. Lucy Curtis has discovered something about herself that she had no idea existed. Will she sort out the lies or will things get a lot more complicated than she expected? *T rating for lang. and violence…drinking as well.*
1. Distraught Discoveries

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders.

This chapter is VERY confusing, so if you need a little help just comment or message me. I'll do what I can do to help everyone understand. It might be a while before I post the second chapter. Hope everyone enjoys.

**Life Goes On**

_Distraught Discoveries._

My body was in a laying position. There was a pillow behind my head, propping it up slightly. An ache from my neck shot down all the way to my toes, causing my face to cringe. On the back sides of my knees, I felt a slight sting when I tried to move myself. With another small heave, I made an effort to shift my shoulders. In protest with the movement, large cracking sounds came to my ears. Through my nose, I breathed in a heavy gust of air. My lungs expanded against my ribs, all the while with my eyes still closed. When I tried to open them, my eye lids only half lifted. Again I made the effort to open them again, I was unsuccessful. Fearing that I wouldn't be able to see things around me, I got more tense than before. Suddenly, a strange sound came to my ears. It was getting louder as it approached to where ever I was.

The clicking of shoes and humming is what it sounded like, a woman perhaps. Again I tried to see what was going on, this time they opened. I was in a dimmed room, with a little light showing through the blinds. My eyes trailed the room as I still listened to the humming woman. It wasn't a large room, but it did contain furniture. About ten feet from the end of the bed I was in, there was a mint green couch that rested against the far left wall. Light pink and white pillows rested against the cushions. To the left of it sat a wood table with a flower arrangement of white carnations. Behind the couch about five feet away was a door, it was closed though.

Sighing slightly, I became confused with myself. My tired, heavy eyes trialed the bed I was in. It looked like a hospital bed, but this room didn't feel like a hospital. My shoulders cracked as I moved the blanket up to observe my body. Quickly, I shoved the blanket back down. I was in hospital attire, an ugly white gown that put a frown to my face. My legs under the blanket were disgustingly skinny and pale. In-between my legs rested a catheter, I shook my head at the thought of it being there. Moving my hands in front of my face, I gasped at their ugliness. So thin, bone like they were. I moved them to my face, touching it light. Closing my eyes I moved them to my hair. My mind continued to become more confused as I realized that my hair was in a messy bun on the top of my head. Furiously, I ripped my hair out of the bun and it fell all around me. Taking a few locks in my hands, I examined it. My hair was long, thick, and overgrown. Shakily, I let my hair go and covered my eyes with my hands. After a moment of composure, I looked up.

Humming and clicking approached the opening of the room to my right. Suddenly a woman with a tray walked in. Setting the tray down on the table next to the couch, she moved to the window. My eyes squinted at her as she fully opened the blinds. She turned to me and gasped putting a hand on her heart. The humming subsided as she did so. Closing her eyes with a shocked face, she opened them with a smile. I studied her, trying to recall who she was. Her face was young with lovely blue eyes that looked at me with care. Short blond hair trailed out of her small white hat on her head. Her skin was a creamy color, so beautiful it made me jealous. The nurse's face was full of freckles but it fit her. She was so lovely, her voice was divine.

"I didn't know you had waken." she said it but didn't really seem like she was talking to me. The short woman walked back to the tray and picked it up. To my right she placed it on the table, I looked up at her. She looked surprised to see that I was looking at her, but she shrugged it off. Leaning to the tray, she picked up a small cup of pills.

"Time for your medication and breakfast, Miss. Curtis." she said leaning to put the pills in my mouth. With her free hand she cupped the back of my head. The nurse leaned me back as she tried to place the pills in my lips. I shook my head and leaned away from her.

"What the hell are you doing to me?" my voice was barely understandable as I harshly tried to get away from her. She jumped slightly and backed away from me.

"Miss. Curtis!" she gasped as she placed the small pill cup on the tray. The young nurse turned back to me, looking frightened slightly. Than she leaned forward with a hand outstretched as I slightly glared at her.

"Did you just speak?" she asked in a hushed voice that sounded astonished and surprised.

"Umm…Yeah." I said like it was the most obvious thing to happen that morning. My face looked at her confused and annoyed.

"So you are awake? I mean really awake?" she said to herself more than to me."Well I'm not sleeping." I said with an annoyed chuckle. "What's going on? Where am I? Where are my brothers?"

"You really are!" she said again, jumping once with glee. "Oh this is quiet fascinating."

"Hello?" I said with a wave of my skinny hand. "What's going on?"

"My apologies!" she bowed her head slightly, composing herself. "I'll go get Dr. Ruth. She will want to speak with you, explain everything. You're brothers need to be contacted. Gosh, this is extraordinary." she clapped her hands together slightly.

"Ruth? Ruth is here?" finally someone I know. The young nurse left the room before she even heard my question. As calm and tired as I felt, a sick scared feeling lingered in my stomach. Dizziness set into my eyes and rattled my brain as I waited impatiently for Ruth to enter the room. Clicking heels again approached the door. The blond nurse walked in with a smile plastered on her face as she motioned for her companion to enter, a clip board clenched in her arms. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes at the new person.

Opening my eyes, she came closer with a victorious looking expression. Again I swallowed and looked her over, not happy with what I was seeing. She leaned forward, looking in my eyes. "Miss. Curtis? My name is Dr. Ruth Walters. Can you hear me?"

"Wait a second…" I said shaking my head. "You are not Ruth Walters."

Ruth Walters is a young, tall, skinny woman. Her brown hair is always placed at the top of her head in a tight bun. She has glasses that rest on the tip of her nose and continue to slide down as she talks. Ruth has green eyes that look at you as though she already knows what you are to say to her, very observant eyes. This woman has an old, crinkled face. She has white hair in a loose braid that runs down her shoulder. Her eyes of light blue look at me with curiosity and fascination.

"I assure you Miss. Curtis that I am in fact, Ruth Walters. I am your neurologist who has taken care of you for a while now. First I will explain a few things to you, to let you know what is going on…" I interrupted her."Yes, that would be nice." my voice was shaky and frightened. My body took a defensive stance on the bed as I sat up more. Both my hands clenched the blanket for support as she smiled at me."I'm so happy that you are awake." she whispered to herself and than turned to the young nurse with a smile.

"Why don't you take your medication and eat some breakfast while I explain everything. " she handed me the water cup on the tray along with the pill cup. I took the pills quickly, looking at her and handing both cups. Ruth motioned to the plate of food but I shook my head.

"Not hungry." she frowned but than smiled again after taking a moment.

"Very well then. First off, you are being held at The OK Neurological Center in Oklahoma City." my hands clenched the blankets tightly.

"Why am I here?" I asked with my husky voice that didn't even sound like it belong to me.

"It's hard to explain to you because it is a very sensitive issue, I'm not sure where to begin." she admitted. Ruth swallowed, pulling a chair from the right over to sit next to me. The young nurse handed Ruth the clipboard excitedly as she shifted to her spot by the door.

"This is probably very confusing for you, I'm sorry for that. In a moment it will probably get a lot more confusing as I go on with the information." I nodded, bracing myself.

She coughed and looked at the nurse. "Go call the Curtis family. I'm sure they will be happy to know that Lucy is awake at last." the nurse nodded and reluctantly left the room.

Ruth turned back to me with a gentle smile on her face. "Alright, shall we begin?" I nodded hastily, even if I did feel dizzy.

"Miss. Curtis…." I stopped her.

"Call me Lucy." It wasn't harsh but my voice was so scratchy, I sounded very rude. Ruth didn't look at all taken back by it though, she just smiled.

"Lucy, you have a brain condition. There is no right name for it and your case is very unique compared to rest that I've studied. It is caused from; traumatic experiences, stress, long term exposure to pain to the nervous system, loss of blood, over exertion of the body, and depression. I believe from what your brothers have informed me of is that you went through a lot of traumatic experiences in a short amount of time. What happens is that your mind coils into itself, putting you into a dream state of mind. So your body is fully functioning, with a little help from nurses, while your mind is elsewhere." I shook my head, still not believing my ears.

"How long have I been like this? I don't understand." I chocked on my composure, but kept it as best I could.

"Sixteen months. We are not sure what you think that you've experienced, but soon we shall help you sort through what is real and what your mind was telling you were going through."

"Sixteen!" I gasped. What was real to me? Nothing! I don't even know if my parents really dies. Or if Dally and I really had a thing. Or if I ran away. Oh my God.

"I know this is overwhelming, but it's the truth." She paused. "For the last sixteen months, you're body has been on auto pilot. Once in a while some of your experiences in your mind would show through to our reality. You would call out for someone, usually your mother or your brother. Sometimes you would out of no where be in terrible pain, even though your body was fine. But it wasn't all bad, you would also laugh or smile. It was fascinating to say the least. As I've said before, your case is so unique compared to others that I've researched across the country. No one has ever reacted openly to the things that is going on in their mind, to somewhat show us what they were experiencing. They are just like zombies, but you weren't all in that state of mind I think. I'm sorry, this is so confusing."

I nodded, not knowing what to say. I put my head in my hands, causing my hair to fall over my body.

"Everything is going to be fine, dear." she put a hand on my leg that was covered by the blanket. I looked up at the voice of the nurse as she entered the room.

"Your brothers are on their way. Shouldn't be more than a few hours now. Mr. Curtis said that he must pick up your younger brothers at work and school." she informed us.

"So my parents did die." I whispered the statement to myself.

"Yes dear. I'm sure that your brothers will be able to tell you what is and isn't true." she frowned slightly. "But we must make sure that you are truly awake before you can see them. Seeing them might alter everything." I felt anger rush to my throat as tears entered my eyes.

"I will see my brothers." she nodded."Please calm yourself, I hope to speak with you. Answer your question, ask my own first." I nodded apologizing with a deep breath.

"Paige, give us some privacy please. Inform us when the Curtis family arrives." she nodded turning to leave the room. I called after her.

"Wait!" she looked at me with a smile. "What's your full name?"

"Paige Laurens, miss." I put a hand on my forehead, letting my back rest against the bed.

"What is it, dear?" Ruth asked, ready to write something down. I looked over at the two women.

"It's just, I knew a Paige Laurens and Ruth Walters. Well at least I thought I did…." Ruth looked intrigued.

"Are you serious?"

"Well yeah, she was my therapist. Paige was our social worker." they both looked at each other and than smiled at the same time.

"Extraordinary." I don't know about anyone else but it was getting pretty annoying the way they kept saying how excellent everything was. Nothing was going well, nothing. I just found out that I'm insane. It's getting really hard not to bust out of here and just go ape shit.

"That's something else that has never happened. Nothing from this reality has ever really leaked into the patients minds." Ruth looked at Paige. "This is so…there's not even words.

"Do you guys mind?" I said politely but with annoyance. They both looked at me concerned. "I don't think this is extraordinary at all. I just found out that I'm crazy and nothing I know is true. All that I've been through has been for nothing, BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED!" I shouted, causing them both to jump. Since I haven't really used my voice much, it still sounded harsh and strained but scary nun the least.

Ruth coughed and looked at Paige, who quickly left the room and shut the door. Again she looked at me gently and caring, all excitement leaving her eyes.

"I'm sorry for my out bursts. It's just that there has only been a hand full of people who have recovered from this illness. Most of them are in their own reality forever. Most are severe, like comas. I'm just so happy that you have over come you mind." she smiled at me.

"I don't know if I'm happy or not. Everything is…upside-down." I admitted, feeling very tried and dizzy.

"Yes, well it is up to me to turn you right side up. Now lets begin with you, any questions?"

"What's the date?" I asked shakily.

"March 17th, nineteen sixty-six." she answered.

"That would make Soda and I seventeen." I said to myself with a frown.

"Correct." she said writing something down on the clipboard.

"When did I get here?" I asked.

"You were registered here after some time in the hospital in nineteen sixty-four. It was in November of that year I believe. From what police and hospital records state, you were found in an old abandoned house…frozen with pneumonia. Almost died out there. Doctors didn't know what was wrong with you when you didn't respond to their actions, that's why they brought you here."

"Oh." was all that I managed to say before I cringed at myself. I wonder what would of happened if I had just stayed home and been taken away. I supposed that I should dwell on the matter. The two of us were quiet for a while, until she came up with a question.

"For you, what date was it?" swallowing hard, I searched the room for nothing but a place to hide. This was embarrassing to say the least, to have an alternate reality.

"July fifth, five days before my seventeenth birthday." I frowned keeping all other emotions inside. Than it made me think, but none of my thoughts made sense.

"What was the last thing you experienced? Last night seemed to be very upsetting to you. Most of the night you were screaming and cursing very loudly. None stop crying as well, I'm curious."

I looked at her baffled, gripping the blanket. "Umm…" my mouth was very dry as I tried to put the memory together. "My pregnant friend had been forced to go into labor, putting her into a coma. I attacked the doctor when he told me and her mother, they put me out with something though. I was expecting to wake up in handcuffs, not in a hospital bed."

"Interesting." she wrote something down. "I wonder…"

"You are so composed…I would have expected for you to be falling apart. The way you reacted to things in your…dreams…if you will." she said to herself more than to me.

"I've always been a pretty composed person. But the last few months that I had run away and com back, I've just been a wreck." I paused. "I mean…Damn, I don't know what I mean."

My teeth clenched to keep my composure that I so desperately wanted to keep. This mask that I put up was a lot easier than it had been before. It's hard to explain it, but before I was so vulnerable. I remember that I would cry at little things, but not I feel like myself. Like I had before this whole alternate reality thing was even existent.

"What has been happening with my brothers since I've been here?"

"Do you mean to ask, did they visit?" I nodded.

"That and you know…other stuff." she smiled sweetly.

"I don't know about the other stuff, but they came every few weeks. It was mostly when the three of them could come together is what Darrel told me. Sometimes your other brother would come and stay the night on that very couch. He'd always be such the sweetheart to you and the nurses, very charming boy for his age. I just wish I could of done something for him, he always seemed so distraught to be here but so willing as well."

"Sodapop." my twin has been with me, just like he said he would be. Now and forever. Now and forever! I lifted the blanket and tried to ignore the catheter sticking from my legs as peeked under my gown. The scares for my parents till remain, but the tattoo was gone. With a little effort, I held the blanket up higher so I could see my boney feet. There was no tattoo on them as well. Placing the blanket back over myself, I check my thumb. No football was rested on my skin. Shaking my head, I leaned back again.

"What is it?" she asked again, pen at the ready.

"When I ran away, I ended up in New York. I would get drunk a lot while I was there, I would do rash things. One night I was drunk and missed my family so much that I got tattoo's to represent them. They are no longer there. It's just a sign that…everything you've been telling me is…true." I said in a small voice.

"Oh." her face told me that she really wanted to say something like 'interesting' or 'fascinating', but held herself back from saying it. I changed the subject.

"Did any of my friends come?" I asked closing my eyes as they continued to become heavy.

"Sometimes a few boys or a certain girl would come with your brothers, but not as often as you would of liked." she laughed at her joke."What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"Well it's hard to explain, but when ever they would visit…it was like you could tell they were in the room. Especially that one fellow, oh what's his name?" she pondered out loud. "I'm surprised I can't remember, you could never stop saying his name when he was here…"

"Dallas Winston?" I offered."Yes that's it…" she trailed off after a moment. "He always seemed very satisfied with himself when you would say his name. How did you know that I was talking about him?"

I smiled slightly. "Oh, just a guess."

"Please Lucy, any information you give me helps not only you but others with your condition." she said causing my smile to fade.

"Well, I have a bond with Dallas. I'm not sure what of it was really true or not but we do or did or…whatever… we have a bond. It's a long story. A story that I will hopefully like the outcome to." she smiled.

"Okay, we still have a lot to discuss dear…but right now I want to get you a nice cleaning and some lunch." she looked at the clock on her wrist. "My! It's already eleven. I will arrange Paige to come back in here to assist you with a cleansing. She will also take the catheter off and see how you will be able to function."

"Function?" I asked."It's been over a year since you've last walked on your own. You're body might not be able to hold you very well. Anyway, Paige will record how you do and I will return with some lunch for the both of us and we will continue our conversation." I nodded to her, feeling relieved to be left alone with my thought.


	2. Brother

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders.

If this chapter is confusing and you need a little help just comment or message me. I'll do what I can to help everyone understand. It might be a while before I post the next chapter. Hope everyone enjoys.

**Life Goes On**

_Brother_

I was half falling asleep as Paige uncomfortably took the catheter from me. It was a relief to say the least. But it wasn't long before my body shook with pain and aches. As she supported my bony body, it screamed in protest. Since I was tired and already upset, it was difficult to keep myself from crying out. Paige helped me move my legs to the side of the bed so I could step down. Before I took the leap of faith, I composed myself. As I did, I panted in and out feeling every inch of my tired body ache. Nodding slightly, I tired to slide my body so my feet were touching the floor. Shaking, I leaned so I put my full weight on the floor. The ache that was in my neck fell down to my toes as we began our long journey to the bathroom. There was a seat waiting for me in there, that I happily but disgustingly took.

After a few moment of adjusting the water, Paige looked at me. I half smiled at her and cunningly talked her into letting me shower by myself. She said she would wait outside of the door, waiting for any sign of struggle. Of course, I told her to just chill out there. My shower was painful, refreshing, and strenuous. My hair was so long, it was a bitch to wash it all. Twice, I cleaned it twice just to make sure that all of it was nice and grease free. It was past my butt, that was sure. As I sat in the shower chair, I just let the water rinse me. Turning the water off, I panted out gusts of air. For a few moments, I composed myself enough to test myself. Without the assistance of Paige, I was going to stand.

One. I breathed in tight gusts of air. Two. My fists clenched tightly together. Three. Here goes nothing. As I lifted myself from the shower seat, I leaned back and forth. Soon I made my way to the wall, walking across it so I could exit the room. The door was slightly shut when I got into the sink part of the bathroom. Paige was leaning against the wall outside the door, but I didn't call her in. I leaned onto the counter and stared at myself in the mirror.

My hair covered most of my body, I could just walk around like this if I wanted to. I smirked at my stupid joke but it quickly faded. It's the most unnatural thing in the world, to go to bed looking like one person and waking up another. Yesterday, I was normal again. It was summer time so I had a little bit of a tan from walking to work. My hair was short and alive with it's shimmering silver strands. Now it is a dim brown, without the life of the silver. It must be from the lack of sun. All my bruises and scars that I had are gone. All I have now is the stabbing scars and the ones that I wrote to Mom and Dad. It was then that I noticed the locket hanging loosely down my neck. Mom's necklace was still here, it never left me. A tear fell down my face as I moved onto the next subject.

I turned my head and moved my hair to peek at my left scared shoulder. My right pointer finger traced the soft but ridged texture of my sink. After a moment of thinking about to that moment of time, I thought of Natalia. She must of never gotten pregnant from being raped. Was she even raped? Did she even move? Well she was raped before I ran away, she left before then as well. So everything after that night that I ran away has been a lie. Rocky must have been the girl who visited with my brothers. But she cut my hair to get back at me for Julie. She betrayed me for two hundred dollars. I don't know if I can live with her knowing that she… but she didn't. It's a lie or I don't even know what to call it.

As I stood there shaking my head, I looked down to my feet. I'm an embarrassment to human kind as a whole. No one should have two realities, or one reality that seems like it's real but it's not. Nothing is right. As I looked up from my feet, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Paige was smiling at me as she handed me a towel. I wrapped myself in the cloth to cover my body as I turned towards her. Her smile widened.

"You're standing on your own." she stated the obvious. "Ruth will be very pleased."

She motioned to the pile of closed on the counter that I hadn't noticed before. I looked back to her grinning face, looking emotionless.

"Since you're awake, you can chose what you wear." I turned back to the pile of clothes. It was either an ugly gown again, or pants with a shirt….equally as ugly.

"I think I'll take the pants." I told her picking up the pile.

"Well there is everything you need in the pile. Toothbrush included." she took the pile that I didn't choose off the counter and left the room so I was able to change. It was painful and troublesome to change, but after ten minutes of wrestling with the clothes I managed. After I felt well enough to continue, I brushed my teeth. It didn't take me long but once I was done, I wish that I had taken a longer time. If I had just continued brushing or left the room, I wouldn't of broken down. I would of stared at the mirror, waiting for it to show me the truth or the lies. The think that really turned my cool switch off was my eyes. They were dead, a dead gray. A lovely silver no longer stood out in my orbs. I clenched my fist tightly at my side. Anger rose in my throat.

"It's not supposed to be this way!" I shouted at the reflection. Nothing is right, I'm not supposed to be weak like this. I was getting better. I was better. They made me better. He made me better. Finally the tears broke free of my shield. The tears leaked down my face as I took hold of the counter for support. Without an ounce of composure left, I sobbed very loudly. Air started to pick up and my head was becoming lighter. To my right the toothbrush and toothpaste sat on the counter. Out of anger I took them in hand. Sobbing my hand thrust them towards the reflection. It didn't do anything but make a loud noise and cause the mirror to shake. My knees were becoming weaker by the second, but I wanted to leave the bathroom.

Aggressively pushing the door open, I stumbled out while chocking on my throat. Paige and another nurse ran in the room, looking surprised. They slowly made their way towards me.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I yelled my warning. They stopped their pursuit to get closer to me. Without warning, I crashed to the ground. The nurses tried to come over again, I protested.

"Stay back!" I shouted. The other nurse quickly left the room, but Paige continued to get closer to me.

"Lucy, it's okay. Everything is going to be fine. You're brother have arrived and Ruth is talking with them now. If you don't calm down, she might not allow you to see them." I shot my tears stained face up to look at her.

"I don't know if I want to go back to that reality or stay in this one. Either way, I'm fucked." I whispered through a sob. She slowly crouched down, still making her way towards me.

"What do you mean, miss?" I didn't answer her because Ruth walked into the room with a stern face. She motioned for Paige to leave, which she quickly did and shut the door. The doctor moved closer to me. By now I was calming down, but inside my mind was still unsafe. I wanted out.

"Have you heard?" she asked pulling me from the ground and helping me towards the couch. "Your brothers have arrived. They are very excited to see you, but there are circumstances."

I didn't look at her, I stared at the floor. There was a giant frown that creased my face. "I'm not sure if I should see them. If seeing myself in the mirror did that to me, what will happen when I see them….different?" my voice was a whisper, but Ruth heard.

"That's why you will only be able to see one at a time. Also, you must be in the right state of mind….how are you doing?"

"Just had my first breakdown." she seemed pleased as I told her so, I scoffed at myself.

"I knew sooner or later you would breakdown. It was only a matter of time that you couldn't keep your composure. The shock alone would keep you from realizing the grave of the situation. What set you off?" Ruth asked as I was ready to lash out at her. I suppose she's just a scientist, doctor lady…she doesn't understand what I feel.

"I stared at myself in the mirror too long." she put a arm over my shoulder as I put my head in my hands.

"Ruth, it's not…nothing is right. I was getting better, now I'm back where I began. I'm weak and confused. I don't know if I'm glad to be away from the situation I was in yesterday or that I would prefer it over this. Natalia was in a coma when I….I don't even know what to call it."

"I know it's confusing, dear. I'm just as baffled as…"

"No you aren't." I hissed looking at her. "No one knows how I feel. Everything I know is a lie!"

"We will help you dear. Your brothers will help you, let them."

"How do I know that this isn't a dream or whatever? What if I never even woke up? Maybe this reality is the dream and the other was the truth."

"Dear, you need to calm down. We shall discuss this later." she patted my arm. LATER! What later!

"Your brothers really would like to see you. Who would you like to see first?"

"I don't care." I said looking away from her. This isn't right! I repeated for the millionth time in my head. It's too overwhelming. What are my brothers to think of this?

"I will send Darry in then. I'll be in the room just incase there is a problem. Also I want to record your interactions." I stopped her right there.

"Just go get my brother." she swallowed the smile she had on her face and stood up. Once she was gone, I placed my head in my hands again. Rubbing my face with my palms, I tried to build some of my courage that I so desperately need. Sighing loudly, I heard the door to the room close. Slowly, I moved my head to look at my eldest brother.

I gasped at the sight of him. He was shaking Ruth's hand right before she moved over to the side of the room. My eyes never left him as he turned with a teary smile to look at me. It was overwhelming to say the least. His face was worn, but still so handsome. Just as I remember him to be, he was rough looking but in a gentle Darry kind of way. Yesterday, he was clean shaven. Today, he had a little bit of a scruff to his cheeks and chin. My brother's hair looked longer as well. He looked the same, but different. It scared me slightly. Covering my mouth with my hand, I scooted away from him on the couch as he reached a hand out towards me. With his other hand, he brushed a few tears away still smiling. I stood up with a lot of effort, moving away still. Now I was against the window, making his face change. Disappointment lingered in his eyes as I clenched my shirt with my fists.

He put his hand down and stood still. Breathing in gusts of anxious air, I closed my eyes. Darry is your brother, he wants to help you. I repeated this in my mind. Gathering my composure, I opened my eyes with a determined feeling in my heart. My left hand was brought up to my chest, clenching my shirt. When I began to move toward him, he started to come forward as well. As I instructed him to stop, he obeyed.

"Don't move." I whispered just loud enough for him to hear. Closer and closer I got to him. My right hand reached for him as my grip on my shirt increased. Closing my eyes as I stumbled over to him, I heard his breathing. I felt his warmth increase the closer I got to him. Taking a short intake of air, I could smell the warmth. It's still there, it's my brother. Opening my eyes, I realized how close I had become. Tears ran down my face as my breathing began to speed up. It's not that I'm afraid of him, I'm just scared of the concept of him. If he looked this different, how different do my other brothers look.

"Lu.." he started to say my name, but I cut him short.

"Don't speak." I was afraid his voice would be different as well. Different than yesterday…I suppose there was no yesterday, but still. It's yesterday to me.

With my right hand, I touched his face. My palm brushed the stubble on his cheeks. I felt the wet streaks that his tears had made. Turning my hand over, I caressed his face with the back of my four fingers. With lots of courage, I took my left hand from my shirt. Both my hands reached up and toughed his rough hair. All the while, brother looked at my face while I studied his new features. Sliding my hands down his neck, I moved to his strong shoulders. They radiated the warmth that I remember. It was like I hadn't felt or sensed that warmth in so long. He looked down at me, I looked back this time. As our eyes looked back into each others, my knees got weaker. They rattled together as they started to give way. I had been standing for too long, I wanted it to stop. Resting my hands to my sides again, I took hold of the hem of my shirt. Closing my eyes, I tried to stay standing up. Opening my eyes again, Darry I noticed was shaking.

My eyes trailed down to his hands that were opening and closing by his sides. Breathing at a high speed, I started to feel dizzy. I swayed on my feet, almost falling. Darry's hands twitched up to catch me, but didn't make the move. I backed away a little ways, trying to slow my breathing. With a half smile, I look back up to Darry.

"Brother." I breathed. He smiled too, closing his eyes with tears falling from his eyes.

"Don't cry over stupid ol' me." moving closer again, brushing the tears away. As he opened his eyes, I could tell he wanted to say something but was afraid of something. Instead of letting him speak, I crushed into him. My tired, pained body hugged him tightly. We both began to weep harder, but not very loud. He whispered into my ear."You're not stupid." his hands were tight around me, filling all my senses with the warmth. It felt like forever that we embraced. But it wasn't long before I completely went limp in his arms. My hands clenched onto the front of his shirt. I choked out once, causing him to hug me harder. After what seemed like forever, we pulled apart. My heart was beating hard in my chest as I chocked on my breath.

The both of us whipped each other's tears from our faces with the palms of our hands. His rough hands were foreign to my skin, but they felt nice. They felt like Dad's hands. I looked over in the corner, where Ruth was furiously writing things down. Rolling my eyes, I looked back at Darry. He looked over to her as well, but chuckled at my actions.

"It's seems like yesterday that we were hugging like this over Mom and Dad." he said in a small voice, but was smiling lightly.

"It was yesterday that I was hugging you like that. It was yesterday that we had talked and interacted. Even though I saw you yesterday in my mind…it feels like I haven't seen you in years."

"It has been years since I've heard your voice. It's…so nice." he said in a happy voice.

"So, you know about my weird brain thing?" I asked, already knowing the answer. He nodded even though he knew I knew the answer.

"Sorry…I didn't know it was happening. I wish I could of stopped it or I wish that…Darry." he looked at me with understanding and caring eyes.

"I don't care, I'm just glad you are awake. You're back with me. You're back with us." he smiled, putting a hand on my shoulder. I closed my eyes, still trying to keep balance. He noticed.

"Why don't we sit?" he guided me over to the couch. I sat as close to him as I could without sitting on his lap. My head rested on his shoulder.

"Brother…" he was quiet, listening to me. "It maybe confusing and distraught to think about it…but to me, it was just yesterday that I saw you last. But I feel something inside of me. Like I miss you so badly. I'm glad you are here now, but I feel a sadness for the missed time. It's all my fault too. Its so unnatural, the way I feel. You are so different…since I saw you, yesterday." I choose my words carefully, and they still didn't make sense.

"I saw you last week. But I didn't get to talk to you, not really. I didn't get to hear your voice. Or see your smile light up the room. All I got was a closed eyed zombie. All we got was a crying, upset Lucy." I looked at him, but he didn't have much remorse in his face.

"The worst part about it was that, I couldn't do anything about it. All I could do was watch you be in pain. Or watch you cry. It hurt so much to watch, but whenever it would come to that when we visited…I could never bring myself to leave. None of us could. I hoped to God that my presence was helping."

"I think it might have been." I said looking over at Ruth. She began to explain.

"Lucy said that she knew people that she had never met before, like myself. She had a therapist with my name, which is proof that she was aware of some things. I believe that she could also feel you and your brothers. She often would call out someone's name after you left, like she knew you left."

"Exactly." I said with a sheepish smile, we ignored Ruth after that again. Brother looked off into the distance as I coiled my arms around his strong right one. He began to speak again.

"I remember one time when I came here by myself and stayed the night, you wouldn't stop calling my name. Sometimes it would scare me, but it was also nice to hear your voice. The thing that bothered me though, was that sometimes you would sound in pain or frightened. You would reach out to the air, and I would try to take your hand but it was no use. Or you would start to scream my name. I didn't know what to do with myself."

I closed my eyes. "There's only one time that I can recall every calling out your name like that…" I didn't continue. My dumb reality that is a reality to everyone else is embarrassing.

"You can tell me if you want." he told me as I put my head on his shoulder again.

"No. It didn't really happen, it doesn't matter."

"Yes it does. It was real to you. Actually, I'm curious to know what you went through."

I tightened my grip on his arm. "A lot."

Brother could feel my stress, so he quickly changed the subject.

"So…you're hair is crazy." with his free left hand, he picked some of it up to examine it.

"Yeah, it's really strange…because yesterday my hair was just above my ears." I looked over to him with a nervous chuckle.

"That must be strange. If I woke up with a long beard, I would freak out too."

"Well, I'm still not used to it yet. I had just gotten used to it being short too." he patted my leg.

"I've always liked it long. It was always put up when we came, I just assumed that it was cut everyone once in a while." we went quiet, just enjoying each other's company. Then it came to me, Darry was older, I rolled my eyes at myself. Of course he's older.

"So…you're twenty-one." he laughed.

"I guess I am. I sure don't feel it though." we went silent again. I wanted to ask him how everything was. What had happened the last sixteen months that I had missed. But my stomach rumbled, much to my surprise. We both looked down at my stomach and then back at each other.

"Hungry?"

"I guess. It's strange because I haven't been hungry or had an appetite for the last like year." he chuckled slightly.

"That's because you're mind doesn't get hungry, your stomach does. Your mind may receive the signals that say that your hungry but your mind was too busy to receive them. That's why you were never hungry during the time you were asleep." Ruth told me from across the room. I coughed uncomfortably, pulling on Darry's arm slightly.

"I'll go get you something to eat. Darry, would you like something?" she asked with a smile.

"No thank you ma'am." he said politely

"You sure, I can bring you back a tea or a coffee." she offered.

"On second thought, a black coffee sounds good right about now." her smile widened but she quickly got serious as she approached us.

"Lucy, will you be alright here…" I wanted to yell at her, but I knew she was just doing her job.

"Yes." she grinned.

"Lovely, I'll be right back." Ruth left the door wide open as she left. Once I heard that her clicking heels had gotten a distance away, I sighed.

"Shit, I thought she would never leave." I said truthfully looking at Darry. He chuckled at me.

"Why is that? I barely even noticed her." he laughed.

"Me too, but for the last few hours…whatever I say is written down. Or if I said something "normal"…for me at least, she comments about it." I made a face like she would. "Fascinating." I mocked.

Darry chuckled. "You haven't changed that much, huh? Same old Lucy."

"Same old Lucy, just insane." again he chuckled."You're not insane."

"What do you call thinking that you are one person then waking up another…." he didn't answer, but he did frown. "Exactly…I'm insane."

He didn't respond, brother looked away. I changed the subject. "So, how's everything?"


	3. Mistakes

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders.

If this chapter is confusing and you need a little help just comment or message me. I'll do what I can to help everyone understand. It might be a while before I post the next chapter. Hope everyone enjoys.

I would like at least two comments following each chapter, please. I would appreciate that very much. : )

**Life Goes On**

_Mistakes _

He looked over at me slightly sheepish. "A lot. Maybe we should wait for Pony and Soda to have this conversation."

"Okay." I said gripping his arm tighter.

"What's the matter?" he asked rubbing my arm with his other hand.

"I'm…frightened. I know that they are going to look so different. I'm…just being silly. I want to see them but I'm a bit overwhelmed." he nodded.

"I understand, they understand too. They wont push you, neither will I, I promise." I looked over at him, then he chuckled. "But I can't promise for Sodapop, he's been going crazy without you."

"Sodapop." I whispered to myself. Suddenly the urge to see him overcame me, it started to make me shake. Darry noticed."Lucy?" I didn't answer, I just closed my eyes. Ruth walked in.

"Here you are my dear." she placed the tray in front of me. All was on the plate was cut up pieces of seedless watermelon, water, and Darry's coffee.

"I wanted to start you off with something light, your body is used to eating…" I wasn't listening to her speak. My hands uncoiled themselves with Darry's arm and I began to munch on the watermelon. I closed my eyes at the taste, best fucking watermelon ever.

"Do you like I, dear?" Ruth asked, I opened my eyes and smiled at her. This time my smile was the real thing.

"It's like I haven't tasted anything in forever. This is the best watermelon I've ever had." she grinned back at me.

"I'm glad." Darry took his coffee off the tray that lay on my lap. He chuckled at me in his cup as I munched on the watermelon."Darry, try some." I didn't let him answer, I just shoved a piece into his mouth. He laughed and began to chew as I was. My mouth smiled taking another bite.

"Isn't it amazing?" I said with a mouth full.

"Yeah, it's pretty good. But watermelon and coffee don't go together very well." I smiled and continued to eat my watermelon. Everyone was silent as I ate and he sipped on his coffee. After about the seventh piece, I started to get full. I placed a recently bitten piece back into the bowl.

"Full?" he asked in a brotherly way.

"Stuffed for a lifetime." Ruth came over and took the tray from me, walking out of the room. Before she left she also took Darry's empty coffee cup. I scooted closer to Darry again. We were silent, just enjoying the moment. Ruth had come back in, but I don't remember when she did. My eyes continued to drop then lift up again. There is no way that I'm going to sleep, what if I don't wake up again. Too bad Darry and Ruth noticed."If you're tired Luc, I can go and you can.."

"NO!" I said, inwardly slapping myself for the outburst. I quickly stood up.

"I'm not tired."

"It's okay to sleep, Lucy." Ruth told me coming over to were I stood next to the couch. "Everything should be alright, you wont…."

"I'm not tired." I repeated. "I want to see another one of my brothers."

Ruth took a glance down to Darry, who stood up. "Okay, lets go get one. Darry." she said motioning for him to follow her.

Darry looked back at me with a disappointed glance, but quickly started to leave. But I didn't want him to leave, what if he changed when he left. I quickly stumbled to grab his arm. He looked back to me, surprised. Ruth noticed he hadn't followed, so she turned as well.

"I don't want him to leave. Can't he stay with me while you retrieve the both of them." Ruth didn't look surprised that I asked.

"Lucy, I told you…one at a time." I pulled Darry closer to me.

"Well…then can Darry stay and you just get one of them." Darry chuckled.

"It's okay, Luc. I'll see you in a while." I shook my head.

"You can't leave me. Please Ruth." I begged. She looked from me to Darry then at her notes. After a moment of contemplating, she nodded with her eyes closed.

"He may stay, but he can't interfere with your interactions with Sodapop."

"He wont." I answered for him with a smile.

"You are so stubborn, Luc." Darry told me. Just as Ruth was leaving the room he called after her. She looked back as he turned to me. "Luc…I think that I should go sit with Ponyboy so he's not alone. Sodapop will be here soon."

My smile faded quickly as Darry yanked out of my tired grip. I shook my head in protest, he frowned but moved towards the door. Fear rose in my throat, I began to shake again. A breakdown was near, but I held it in. Ruth must of noticed as she shooed Darry out the door. She moved towards me but I shook my head for her not to touch me. Darry was looking inside the room from the hallway, looking worried. Taking a few deep breaths, my body calmed. Sure my head was still dizzy with fear but I was calm to the eye. Nodding my head, still shaking slightly, I moved over to the couch.

"I'll see you later Dar." I said this in a small voice, not looking over at him from my spot on the couch. Ruth and him both sighed at the same time as the left the room. Even though I was scared, I tried to pump myself up that I would get to see Sodapop. But the thought scared me as well. Twiny will be different. I don't want to react to him the way I did with Darry. You already know he will be different, so don't get shocked. He's your twin, even if you look nothing like him anymore.

Giving myself a pep talk, I didn't even notice them enter the room. Soda cleared his throat and immediately I looked up with a half grin on my face. His face was plastered with joy and love but also what looked like guilt and remorse. My twin was shaking with anticipation, his feet not fully on the ground. Boy was he ever handsome, movie star looks.

Sodapop's hair was not greased the way it usually was, it was long and flowing. Not as long as mine but it was long for him. It bobbed loosely on his head as he shuffled on his toes. Over all he didn't look that different, just his build and his hair. He certainly has gotten bigger since I saw him yesterday. I wasn't scared though, which I was glad for. Excitement rushed through me as I tried to stand up with great difficulty. With teary eyes Soda picked me up in his arms as he rushed over to me. Wrapping my arms around him, I felt….strange. Something was tugging at my heart as I hugged my brother. My twin. I forgot that connection that the two of us feel. That thing that kept me going all through those months that I traveled alone. He's here now. And he's real!

"My…" he was sobbing into my hair as I held him tightly. "My God."

His voice is the thing that frightened me the most. Not because it had changed that much but because he sounded desperate or pained. My hands clenched onto his shirt for support. Hold your composure, Lucy. I told myself over and over again, but I couldn't. Sodapop seemed so pained, I haven't seen him this upset since Mom and Dad passed. It was making me crazy listening to him, but he wouldn't pull away from me. One of his hands was tangled in my hair as he rubbed the back of my head. The other was tightly around my entire body, holding me close. We needed to calm down, I can't get too upset. What should I do? I contemplated what to do as I listened to vicious sobs erupt from my brother.

I shakily took one of my hands from his shirt and started to massage his neck. It didn't quite work, in fact…it did the opposite. He clenched onto me tighter and began to shake more. Continuing to rub the back of his neck, I began to hum. It was his song that Mom would sing, Unchained Melody by Righteous Brothers. At first he didn't recognize it because I was doing a horrible job with humming. It's a hard thing to do if your humming while crying, trust me. Taking a few deep breaths, I started to hum again.

Sodapop didn't really calm down that much, he just stopped chocking on his sobs. Taking more soothing gusts of air, I began to sing the song. It was hard to pull off with my lack of spit, lack of voice, and lack of control. But I pulled it off, even if it did sound shitty. Within the first few seconds of the song, he started to calm down. He loosened his grip on me, but still wouldn't let go. Soon his sobs were just mere hiccups. Once the song was done, the room went silent. Soda was still shaking but that's when I noticed he was holding his breath. Then I realized I was holding mine as well. When he noticed he was, immediately his laborious breathing continued. I pulled my arms out from around him and tucked them into my chest as I leaned into him. My hands on my face, just calming myself down as best I could.

We soon were calm enough to pull apart, but we both were hesitant. The two of us didn't pull too far apart. I was still in his arms as I looked up to him, still tucking my hands into my chest. He smiled at me, still having tears run down his face. With my shaking palms, I brushed his tears away. My bottom lip quivered as I looked into his gorgeous brown eyes. My twin…I thought thoughtfully. After cleaning off his face, I pulled his face into my shoulder. Both my toes hauled me up so I wasn't straining his neck as I hugged him again. I took in his sent, he smelled like…my twin. He was the real thing. Now that I think about it, I never…noticed things like that back in my dreams. I didn't notice the taste of foods or the scent of things. When I did, they were really definite. Or the warmth, when I saw Darry the warmth was so strong but in the dream…it wasn't as strong. I shouldn't even be thinking about this shit, too complex for my brain.

The two of us pulled apart again, this time we both fully calm. The only thing remained was Sodapop's shaking. Our eyes connected and I sighed trying to stay calm.

"Twiny." he whispered. Fresh tears fall down his face.

"Why does my Twiny cry?" I ask trying not to start another crying fit.

"Because you are here. You're standing right there, smiling at me. Sighing at me. Singing…for God's sake." he said pulling farther apart. "My baby sister."

"By what? Five minutes." I said with a heavyhearted chuckle. For a moment he was silent, looking at me in the eyes. Then out of the blue, he threw his head back and laughed heartily.

"That's my girl."

"The one and only." he took one of my hands and swung it at our sides. That gave me an idea. If I sneakily find away to leave the room, I could find a way to Darry and Pony.

"Ruth?" she looked up from her notes. "Do you mind if I take a walk with my brother? I think it…"

"No you can't, my dear. It might cause strain on your brain. Depending on what you see, it might overwhelm you to the point of passing out. We are still not sure why or how it would effect your brain seeing a new place in so long, but it's just not…"

"Please. I'll be good, I promise. It might help gain some strength in these skinny legs of mine." my right hand was resting in Sodapop's who was still standing in front of me. My left clenched tightly onto his shirt, holding my balance. His right hand went up and started to rub the top of my hand.

"Lucy, it's just not safe."

"There is nothing out there that is too overwhelming. The worst that would happen to me is that I start to cry. And I'm used to that by now." I looked over to Soda, he was staring at me. Not even paying attention to the conversation with Ruth.

"Lucy I…it might cause a relapse if your too overwhelmed. The brain is a very sensitive organ. Since you have the condition now, too much stress or trauma can cause you to faint. It would be uncertain when you would wake next, might cause you to not wake up for another sixteen months for all we know." I shook my head. I can do this. It's not a big deal.

"Please Ruth. We'll just go around the floor or something. I want out of this room." and I want to find my brothers to give them extra big hugs because I love them and they haven't seen me awake over a year. I miss them too, even though I've seen them yesterday…so complex.

"Okay, but if you feel any sort of…fear, lets call it that…you come straight back to the room. Sodapop…"

"Yes ma'am." he said reaching out and taking a few strands of my hair.

"You keep her safe. Just a trip around the floor. Then come straight back here. Understood."

"Yes." he commented, looking at my face."We'll be back." I said in a sarcastic happy voice, just because I didn't want to come back at all. Sodapop and I walked hand in hand to the door way. Once we were outside the door, everything seemed to change. I'm not sure how to describe it, everything was…bright and shinny. Big too. I linked my right arm with Sodapop's, he still staring at me. People in the hallways were mostly nurses or doctors from what it seemed like. They eyed us in a strange way as we passed by. I felt myself slowly coil into my twin, shying away from everything. He patted my hand that was rested on his arm."Are you alright?"

"I don't know." I said in a small voice. Looking over at my twin, he gave me a worried glance. Shaking off the strange feeling in my stomach, I tried to smile.

"So, how is my Twiny?" his worried, remorseful, guilty eyes did not change as my brother smiled down at me.

"Much better now that I can hear your voice…"

"I'm sorry that I put you.."

"Not your fault at all!"

"Still." I commented, getting a little worried myself. I changed the subject, closing my eyes and letting him guide me.

"So what happened while I was gone…to Neverland?" of course I was mocking my insanity.

"Neverland? Did you see Peter and the lost boys?" he chuckled, finally sounding like himself.

"Wow, I'm impressed that you remember reading that freshmen year."

"I don't, but I recently saw the play with a date…well a few months ago at least." leaning on my twin, I kept my eyes closed."Sodapop Curtis…saw a play…and paid attention to it." I turned my head towards him, sill keep my eyes closed.

"Not really, but I did come up for air long enough to know that there was a guy named Peter and his buddies were the lost boys." I laughed, feeling his eyes on me.

"What's the matter?" he stopped the two of us from walking. "Why are your eyes still shut?"

"Oh it's nothing, just feeling my way around." I smiled, lying through my teeth.

"Well if it's nothing, please…can you open your eyes. I've seen them closed enough." I cringed. That would make me have to see all the shiny, big, overwhelming environment that I said I wouldn't overreact seeing. But if Soda needs me to open my eyes, I'll just take it slow. We stood in place as I slowly creaked my eyes open. Soda was in front of me, looking very worried. If I was just looking at him, I couldn't see what was around us. We turned forward, but I kept my eyes on him.

"Lets go see our brothers." I suggested, unrolling my plan to him. He side glanced at me.

"I don't think that's…" I didn't let him finish."Well I think it's a great idea…I want to see my brothers."

"Yeah I know but Ruth said.."

"I don't care what Ruth said, if I have been asleep for as long as she has told me then I should really spend time with my brothers as much as possible." I said in an argumentative voice.

"But I promised…"

"No you didn't, I did. So I am inclined to break that promise."

"But Darry will…" I never let him finish his sentences, sounded more worried by the second. For sure, I hated that tone.

"Will have to get over it because I want to see them."

"But…Lucy."

"Don't 'But Lucy' me!" I playfully shook my finger at him. "We are seeing them."

"Well, I'm not taking you…"

"Think about it. If you don't take me, I'll go wandering the halls looking for them. That way I might possibly will be alone. Furthermore…"

"Okay, I get it. I'll take you but there's something.."

"I don't want to hear it Sodapop."

"But." I rolled my eyes."Just take me there." he scoffed at me, guiding me to the elevator. Punching the L button, we began to move down. My eyes never left Soda's face as he casually waited until we got to our level.

Everything was fine and going great, until something rose in my throat. Before I could make any real observation of it, my eyes started to see dots. Closing my eyes, I saw a far off memory. Darry and I were in an elevator. I looked sickly as I leaned on him, crying as he quietly glanced at me. His strong voice rang in my ears.

"Don't worry Luc, you'll be home with us in no time." my face cringe in the memory right before I felt myself pull away from Sodapop. Shaking my head, I hurriedly blinked the image away. Squeezing my eyes, I slowly opened them to see Soda looking at me. His face was scared as he moved towards me. Closing my eyes, I put my hand out to him.

"Give me a second." opening my eyes, I looked at him again. My palms sweating and my neck became hot with embarrassment and fear. I remember where that was too. It was the day after I returned home from running away. Darry and I were leaving the doctors appointment. Did the elevator trigger the memory? Shaking my head, I felt myself feel lighter…not in the good way."Lucy!" Soda finally spoke, ignoring my instructions. "Are you alright? What was that?"

"I'm not sure. But yes, I'm fine." he looked at me skeptically.

"We should go back up, this is…'

"No!" the elevator made a dinning noise to signal that we had made it to the lobby. "I'm doing good. I'm getting used to this shit. Give me a chance."

"Lucy you…what happened? If you tell me what's going one, maybe I can help you." he looked desperate as the doors opened, his hands shaking in front of him. I exited the elevator, not looking at anything but him as he stepped up beside me.

"Nothing happened." I lied. "I just got…"

"Just what? Don't lie. You do know if something happens here then…"

"Soda, it was nothing to be concerned about." I grabbed his hand, keeping my eyes on him. "Lets go."

"There might be.."

"SODA!" I said in an annoyed voice, closing my eyes. We began walking again. "Stop."

He didn't say anything after that, those eyes still regretful. I got closer to him the farther we walked. I'm not sure what to think about that…episode in the elevator. Was that what she meant by my brain might relapse? Am I going to have to go through all that shit again, for no reason at all? It wasn't even real. This is real, right? Sodapop stopped us walking, turning towards me.

"They are in that waiting room." he got close to my face as he pointed to my left. "There is something that you need…"

I didn't let him finish, my feet already on their way to the waiting room. Soda yelled after me. "Johnny and Dally are here too."

He was too late though. My eyes had already trailed into the room. Four men looked over at me, baffled but happy. Pony stood up quickly, starting towards me. Darry grabbed him by the shoulders, giving me a worried glance. I could feel my face turn horrified as I looked to Johnny. He sat in a wheel chair, smiling over at me. My hands shook, Sodapop coming up behind me. Across the room, stood a man in a leather jacket. His back was too me, standing by a coffee machine.

"Why did it all a sudden get quiet?" he asked, turning around. His eyes connected with mine. Spots came into my vision as I tried to see his expression. Unconsciously, I started to back away. My hands spread out to my sides, on connecting with the wall and the other with the door. Images threw themselves into my vision.

Dallas and I holding hands. Us fighting. Our faces red with embarrassment. The two of us laying together. Him gingerly kissing my forehead as we sit on his bed. Him feeding me. We passionately kissing on the floor of my room. The two of us lip locking on Pony's bed as Johnny and Ponyboy run out of the room. Him and I laughing right before I throw my arms around his neck. Us making love for the first time. The last image to come to my view, stopped.

Even though I couldn't hear or see what was going on around me, I could feel everything. Someone put their hands on my shoulders. My hands desperately clawed at the doorway, my feet searching for an exit. I stubbed my toe on something as the memory became clearer.

The two of us sat on the play equipment at the park. It's raining outside. Our faces close together as we talk quietly, so quiet I was unable to hear. But than I was able to make something out.

"What?" he said to me.

"The way they pucker out when your thinking or smoking a cigarette, they make my knees shake." he laughed at me. I leaned him closer, catching him mid-laugh. It wasn't a long kiss but we leaned into each other's faces when we were finished. There were a few seconds of a pause before Dally spoke.

"I love you." he said. My eyes opened but quickly squeezed shut. Without warning or control, my lips parted. They screamed as I felt myself hit the ground. Sobs and screamed shook my throat, someone was rubbing my back furiously talking into my ear.

"Soda!" I screamed. "Get me out of here."

I felt my body being slide on the ground, my back leaning against a wall. "Save me Sodapop!"

"Darry!" I sobbed for my brothers. "Pony! What's happening to me!"

There came no answer. There came no rescue as my eyes stayed closed. My mouth sewed shut. My brain wandered into my subconscious, bring me into a different world.


	4. Reality or Memory

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders.

If this chapter is confusing and you need a little help just comment or message me. I'll do what I can to help everyone understand. It might be a while before I post the next chapter. Hope everyone enjoys.

I would like at least two comments following each chapter, please. I would appreciate that very much. : )

The _Italicized_ and underlined is her subconscious. It's not real, if anyone was wondering.

**Life Goes On**

_Reality or Memory_

"_Baby girl, we gotta leave soon." I heard a hard knock at my door and Darry's voice. Quickly I sat up, I looked around me. I was inside my bedroom. It looked pretty normal, few scattered close on the floor but clean. It's dark outside I thought as I shook my head. My right hand went up to my forehead. Both my eyes large with confusion. Was it all a dream? But it couldn't have been._

_My legs quickly moved me from my bed, I ran out of the room. Darry and Soda were sitting at the dinning room table, looking at me._

"_Glad you decided to wake up." Darry said as he buttered his toast. Slowly I moved towards the table._

"_What's the date?" I said in a small voice, feeling very skeptical of myself and my brothers. What if what I dreamt was not the dream, this is the dream? I remember them telling me that. But what was the last thing to happen to me? This is un real._

"_Saturday." Soda answered, looking at me funny. "You have practice this morning, remember."_

"_Saturday the what?" _

"_November the tenth, come eat." Darry told me. I slowly walked to the table, taking my seat._

"_Practice for what?" Darry and Soda leaned over to look at me."Gymnastics…" Soda answered. "Ya feeling okay?"_

"_I don't know." I looked down at my plate of eggs and toast. "Do you both work today?"_

"_Yes." Darry answered as the two of them went back to their breakfasts. I shook my head, sipping the orange drink in front of me. Before practice Darry would always make this weird health shake for me. But did he really. This is a memory? It's before I left, right? My hand quickly went up to my head, my hair was really long, but not as long as it was… but that couldn't be._

"_What time is it?"_

"_Just a little after four." Darry gulped down some coffee. "Hurry up, we gotta leave."_

_I ate a few bites of egg and toast as I chocked down the orange shake. After that I went back to my room. I changed into a pair of black shorts, workout bra, and tank top. The finishing tough was my black sweatshirt. Throwing it over my shoulders, I looked down at my sports bag. Bitch was this thing heavy. Tossing on my converse, I slung the bag over my shoulder. Turning the light out in my room, I went for the truck. The sun was slowly rising as I threw my bag in the back of the truck. As I went back inside, I went for the bathroom. Sodapop was in the shower, but I waltzed right in anyway. _

"_Hey!" he exclaimed as he noticed my entrance. I squished toothpaste onto my brush, bringing it to my mouth. Quickly, I cleaned my teeth. Next was my face. As I was scrubbing, Soda turned the water off._

"_Get out." he told me._

"_A little busy. I can't see you, just hurry out."_

"_No!" I shook my head, rinsing off my face._

"_Then wait." drying my face, I searched for my hair brush. Quickly, I tore through my tangled hair. Tiredly I put it up into a loose bun. Cleaning up my mess, I got out of the bathroom. Shutting the door, I heard him curse about me behind the door."Same to you." lastly, I cleaned the dishes in the sink that were from this morning breakfast. Even though it felt like just another day, I couldn't help feel like something was off. Like I had been through this before, only there was something…wrong. Thinking about it, I slide into the armchair. Sleeping and snoring on the couch was Johnnycakes. His arm slung off the couch in a lazy fashion._

"_Lets go." Darry said in a low whisper as he and Soda put on their jackets. I hadn't even noticed them come in the room. Getting out of the chair, I walked out the door. They followed, Soda passing in front of me."Got all your stuff?" Darry asked._

"_Yeah, in the truck." he then commented about my shorts and getting a cold._

"_No I wont." I mumbled as I climbed into the truck. _

_As usual I sat in-between my brothers. They talked while I leaned onto Darry as he drove. Soda was dropped off shortly after that. Once he was out of the truck, I scooted over to his spot. Both my knees soon propped themselves on top of the dashboard. Steve was walking out of station to let Soda in. The two of them waved to us as we pulled out of the small parking lot. Darry quietly drove towards the school gym. It wasn't long that we arrived, Darry parked. Turning the truck off, he turned towards me._

"_Are you okay? You're acting strange today."_

"_I'm fine, Dar. I've just got a lot on my mind lately." that's an understatement._

"_You sure? I can come inside with you if you want." he offered."Dar…I'm completely capable of walking by myself. There is just a lot going on in my mind today. I had a really weird dream last night. It's been bothering me like crazy."_

"_What was it about?"_

"_Well I woke up in the hospital and people were telling me that I was sleeping for over year. Saying I was in a coma or some shit. You, Soda, and Pony were there…only you were older. It was so strange. They said everything that I've been experience in the last year has been bullshit."_

"_Impossible Lu." he chuckled, ignoring my superstitions. "How long you at practice?"_

"_How the hell am I supposed to know." I said angrily, getting out of the truck. If he wasn't going to help me figure out this weird ass dream, than I just wont bother with him. As I grabbed my bag from the back of the truck, I stored into the gym. My junior teammates were stretching in the middle of the gymnastics mat. Tossing my back into the corner, I took off my shoes. Taping them up, I also taped my hands. It's hard to recall but I think Milly told me I had the balance beam today with Madison. She smiled at me as I began to stretch my legs on the corner of the mat. The annoying wedgy girl came towards me, sitting in front of me stretching. "Milly said we had the beam together today. Lucy right?"_

"_Yep." I answered, leaning forward not looking at her._

"_So what kind of tricks are you going to practice? We have to get a routine by Thursday, Friday's the competition. If you ask me that isn't much time to practice. I have most of my routine. How about you? I remember you being really skilled when we tried out. Hey, maybe we can help each other think of a routine. I'll help you if you want. Rachel said team work is the most important thing even if we don't participate as a team. I mean we do but you know we don't really rely on each other during a competition. Like when boys play basketball. You have to toss the ball…" that's as much as I could handle. With a serious face, I interrupted her."Madison, we are teammates. Not friends. I respect you as a person but no offense but I don't want to talk to you or anyone else." she nodded with a smile."Okay, maybe we can talk later." she offered. I rolled my eyes, she really didn't get it."Whatever." I said standing up from my stretching. Madison followed me over to the pair of beams. She mounted by pulling herself into the splits on the beam. I jumped up into a press to handstand. Forward walk over. Walk over backwards with stoop-through of Dae leg. Valez with full turn. Flic -flac to two feet. Butterfly. Flic-flac with step-out in side position, Tousek. Yangbo from side stand, Teza. Double turn on foot. Gainer flic-flac. Full turn in back attitude. Gainer stretched, back salto with double twist off side of beam._

_Breathing heavily, I ignored Madison's chatter. I looked over at her with an uninterested glance. As I got up onto the beam, I repeated my routine that I had just put together. Over and over again. As I jumped my salto with double twist off the side of the beam, I looked over to the clock on the wall. I hadn't even noticed but it had been about three hours since I had arrived. Going to get some water, Madison call after me. _

"_Where you going?"_

"_Water break." I said not turning to her. As I sucked in some water from the bottle in my bag. Scott instructed loudly._

"_You're looking good Lucy. You keep at it on the beam." I nodded no looking in his direction. Madison sat next to me, streaking her water. As she did, she made a very loud slurping noise. I stopped mid-drink and turned to look at her. She just kept on slurping. Does she ever not make noise. Rolling my eyes, I heard Scotts voice again."Madison, come practice on the uneven bars today. Give them beam a rest. Lisa!" I looked over at him as he pointed towards the beams. "You take up the beam."_

_For about five minutes, I stretched again after my drink. Madison thankfully listened to Scott, leaving me alone. Throwing my arms around each other, I twisted my back. Damn did it feel good. Standing up straight I swung my arms back and forth. Walking slowly back over to my beam, I heard the sound of someone hitting the mat…HARD. Turning my head towards the sound, I saw Madison on the floor. She held her shoulder, screaming for dear life. High pitch screaming caused everyone to look that way. Lisa from the beam fell off with her arms waving to stay balanced. Everyone stopped what they were doing. Milly and Rachel both ran over as Scott crouched down to Madison. _

_As much as I dislike Madison, I felt a ache in my heart. I also jogged over to where she was. As soon as I got closer, I knew exactly what was wrong. The couches looked to each other, all knowing as well. _

"_Dislocated shoulder." I commented. She looked up to me with tears in her eyes. The other girls began to circle around the scene. I've dislocated my shoulder before when I was younger. I know how much it hurts. Feeling bad, I walked over to crouch on the other side of her. Instantly, she grabbed my hand. Screaming again, her hand tightened around mine. I pattered her arm gently as Rachel yelled at the girls._

"_Get back to work." she ordered. Everyone quickly ran back to their equipment they were working with. I stayed with Madison though. Her mother was called right after Rachel popped it back into place. I cringed slightly at the sound of it, remembering how I've popped a few bones back in place myself. Her mother insisted on taking her to the hospital though. Personally, I would of stayed and kept working. But we all have out limits. Madison's limit was low…well to my standards. But I thought it was good she was leaving. Now I don't have to listen to her talk or slurp. But sincerely, I felt bad for her and almost wanted to give her a hug. Instead I helped her and her Mom back to her car. I carried Madison's stuff for her. She was still crying as Milly helped her into the passenger side door._

_Milly guided me back inside after we waved bye to Madison. "Thank you, for being there for her. Some of the girls don't like her, she can talk a lot." she admitted._

"_But I was the one to pick her. She was really got at the floor routine. I thought it would be good to have someone like that on the team. We just wanted to work on the bars and beam with her. She wasn't very good with them as she was with floor. That's why we put you with her. She could learn a lot form you, you have talent."_

_I smiled politely "Thank you. I have my mother to thank for that." _

"_Alright, well thanks again. Get back to work. Keep your head in the game." she said pointing to her temple. The two of us smiled one last time as I jogged over to the beam I was previously working on. Over and over again I did the routine. I was getting better with every time I did it. There was just one problem, too much was on my mind._

_All of this seemed so familiar! Breakfast. Darry ignoring my strange dreams. Madison annoying the shit out of me. Her dislocating her shoulder. Milly's little speech. All of this was like…I don't know. There is something in my mind that's telling me to slow down and take a closer look. But also…_

_I wasn't able to finish my thought. As I gathered my strength to do the butterfly, I missed the bar when I was going to land. My right leg got stuck on the bar as I went tumbling to the ground. My head smacked the mat as my entire body tingled. The back side of my thigh hurt like a fucking bitch! I laid there staring at the ceiling. Wincing to myself every once in a while. I heard Rachel call over at me."Curtis! You alright?" I stuck my right thumb into the air at her, not lifting my head. "Didja fall?" she called._

"_Yeah! Give me a minute." I called through the gymnasium. This is what happens when your mind is somewhere else. God, I should just forget about the damned dream! Wondering about it just makes bad things happen. Madison is hurt. I'm in pain. Darry thinks I'm crazy. Just forget about it Lucy._

_I'm not sure how long it had been before Lisa was standing over me. A smirk plastered on her face. Did I ever mention how much I didn't like Lisa Nate either? She is one of Julie's friends, so that pretty much makes me an enemy to her. I don't really care about her, but I would like to whip that smirk of her bitch ass mug."Practice is over, lil Lucy." God, she knows about that name. Damn Brian. Damn Julie. Damn the world!_

"_Thanks…" I said as she offered me her hand. Snatching it away midair, I fell back towards the mat. Silently I cursed at her, I should of known. Laughing, she left my line of sight. Since I had laid there for a while, my body was already starting to ache. Not just from the fall but from the working out this morning. It felt as though my body had gotten run over by a truck. Damn I wish I had been fun over by a truck._

_Getting off the ground, I stood up shakily. The other girls were already leaving out the door. As I started to limp over to my bag, Lisa waved at me from the door. Annoyed with her, I flipped her off. Unfortunately, Rachel saw. Lisa giggled and skipped out the door with her things._

"_Curtis. What was that all about?" I shook my head."Nothing important. Sorry." she nodded._

"_Don't let me catch you doing that again. Stuff like that will get you kicked off the team." I nodded. "How's the leg?"_

_I twisted my back around to look at the back of my thigh, it was starting to bruise. No wonder it turn so damn bad. "Fantastic." _

"_Get yourself a good ice bath and some rest." she told me, patting my shoulder. She was the last to leave the gym, besides myself. Painfully, I dropped down to the ground. Unwrapping my taped feet and hands, I put my shoes and jacket on. Milly walked back inside the gym, checking to see if the gym was cleared. She walked over to me as I was standing up slowly._

"_Did you get the new uniforms for Fridays competition? And the weights?"_

"_Weights?" I shook my head no."I suppose I didn't give you the chance to leave." she chuckled. "I was handing them out side the door. Here ya go." she handed me two leotards. They had are school colors on them. Gross. Then she walked out the door she had come back through, holding up a finger. Her and Scott walked back in, both carrying a few hand weights._

"_We want you girls to build up more arm strength." I took the weights from the, placing them in my bag. Also I put the leotards in there as well. Taking a hold of my heavy bag, I heaved it over my shoulder. My body screamed for me to lay down but I had to get home first!_

"_See you tomorrow afternoon. Practice at three." I nodded, at least I didn't have to get up early tomorrow. Without a word, I left. The walk home was dragging on the slower I went. My leg was becoming a real issue. It hurt the more I walked. It wasn't long before I wasn't able to keep the pain from my face. As I approached the DX station, I hoped I might get a ride the rest of the way home. My body was exhausted and I was about to die from pain alone._

_As I made it up the hill to the garage, I winced. A customer looked at me strangely, so I looked at him strangely as well. Going around the back entrance, I walked into the garage. I hadn't noticed how clod I was until the heat hit me form the garage. It wasn't much heat, but I looked down to my pale legs tremble. They had a blue tint to them, great. Tossing my bag on the floor, I slumped down into the red couch in the corner. My brother's butt stuck out of the heart of a car. The music blasting loud in the background. Steve's feet tapped from under the bottom of a car. Tiredly and painfully, I put my head in my hands. As much as I didn't want to, I felt like crying. _

_I felt a warm hand on my back, rubbing. "What's the matter?" I looked up to see the concerned eyes of Sodapop. Without a word, I stood up pulling back my shorts. Soda gasped worriedly. I didn't mention the dream that was still fucking bothering me._

"_Christ Lou! Steve look at this shit!" he hollered. Steve came walking over, wiping his on his overalls. Leaning over me, he looked down to my thigh._

"_Damn! Trying to walk and think at the same time Lucy?" he chuckled. I shoved him falling back onto the couch. It hurt when I landed, but I didn't care. Soda ignored our friend and held my hand."You alright? Does it hurt much?" I shrugged. It did and damn I didn't want to admit it."I bet it does." Steve said leaning against the car that Soda was working on moments ago. "You gonna walk home?"_

"_I was going to if you didn't have the truck." I said, Sodapop shook his head with a frown._

"_I don't…" his eyes were very emotional. Damn did he look upset. "Darry will be here for lunch soon. You should wait from him."_

"_I intend to. My leg hurts, hoping to get an ice bath." I looked to Steve who smirked. "Shut up asshole." _

"_I didn't say a word." Soda stood up and the both of them walked back to their cars."Yeah, but you was thinking it!" I said as I leaned far into the couch. My eyes closed but I did not sleep, even though I wish I did. Gosh, life sucks sometimes. The boys didn't talk to me as I willed myself to rest on the red couch. I'm not sure how long I was there before the sound of the Ford caused my eyes to open._

But I wasn't in the garage any more. I was in the hospital bed that I was in last night in the dream. Was I dreaming now too? Did I really fall asleep? I cold hand was placed on my forehead. I looked up to the blue eyes of the nurse I had met in the dream as well. I sat up quickly, shoving her hand away. Shaking my head, I moved the blanket that was covering my legs. Quickly I tore my pants down to my knees. Turning over slightly, I examined my leg. There was no bruise from when I fell off the beam. Everything had come back to me now. The dream wasn't really a dream. The place that I was just in was the dream…right? Paige gasped as I started to get out of bed, pulling my pants with me. I need to figure this shit out.

"Please get back in bed, Miss!" she ordered, blocking the door. I yelled out passed her.

"Ruth!" I was mad, but not really angry with anyone but myself. If this is the reality, I didn't want to go back to where I was. "Ruth you bitch! Tell me what's going on!" I screamed trying to get around Paige. She was pretty strong for her size. But I was still weak and I wasn't putting up much of a fight. Ruth's old face peeked into the door. I stopped my struggle looking at her. Darry's face soon came into view as well. He looked very concerned."How long was I out this time?" I shook my head angrily.

"Surprisingly, only a few hours." she answered looking disappointed. "I told you not to venture off…do you know what set you off?"

"What are you talking about? It's not my fault that my brain turned into an alternate reality or some shit! In fact, I'm not sure it was an alternate reality anymore."

"Please. We will get you something to eat and we can discuss this." she offered, pushing around Paige. "We'll get you the watermelon you liked so much."

"I want my brothers in the room with me!" I said looking at Darry. He smiled slightly.

"If you promise to answer all my questions and if you get back in that bed right this instant." I hesitated, but went the opposite way. In the bathroom, I did my business. Exiting, I washed my hands with shaky knees. Mumbling to myself the entire time.

"Damn…insane bitch…you don't know…what's the point…I God." I said to myself as I turned to see everyone was still at the door. Still muttering, I climbed back into the bed.

"Alright now. Paige go get her some food, something easy to swallow. Darry, why don't you come bring your brothers up so we can have a civilized conversation." I couldn't hear Darry's answer, but Ruth entered the room soon after that.

"Right, lets discuss things." my anger was let loose after that, I hardly thought of what I was saying.


	5. Freak Outs

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders.

If this chapter is confusing and you need a little help just comment or message me. I'll do what I can to help everyone understand. It might be a while before I post the next chapter. Hope everyone enjoys.

I would like at least two comments following each chapter, please. I would appreciate that very much. : )

The _Italicized_ and underlined is her subconscious. It's not real, if anyone was wondering.

**VickyLou: **Thank you for the review. I'm so happy that you are enjoying my stories!

**DracoMalfoy4Ever**: I'll try to update as soon as possible.

**Life Goes On**

_Freak Outs_

For about an hour, I have been ranting about my condition. Asking question after question. But not even giving anyone the chance to answer them. I just felt so frustrated. So mad at myself that I can't even remember what I'm saying. Most of the conversation is hazy to me. Bits and pieces float across my mind as I sit in this medical bed, panting my lungs out. For the last half-hour, my body had taken a different course of action. Tears roll down my head as I lean forward on my knees. My unnaturally long hair falls back and forth as I comfort myself by rocking. Both my fists were clenched tightly into the white sheet that sits in front of me. Ruth doesn't do much but stare and write down notes. A perplexed line of sweat runs down her brow. They've shut the door to my room, to keep my screams in the room. It's an uncontrollable anger. Untamable ache in my stomach. Intangibly cursed into my mind. As my boney arms shake while I rock, I close my eyes. Not that I'm done with my questions, my body takes over. No more control. Just me and my pent up emotions.

I felt myself loosing my voice as I screech in agony. There are so many things running through my mind. I've learned just a few things in the small amount of time that I've had control. My parent's have died. I did the math in my head…five hundred and seventy-eight days. How could I have not known that time was moving faster than it really was. Ruth had a theory that every day in reality is almost the same as an hour in my dreams. I tried to explain to her that I'm now going back into memories. Memories that aren't really memories. Like Dally's relationship with me. We might have started a relationship in reality but it never really went to the extent of what my dreams were consisting of. All three of my brothers sat on the couch, helpless. Listening to me yell at Ruth, because I was angered with myself. Every bit of information that I screamed out to her, they now know. Darry would point out something once in a while that would of never happened.

But I didn't listen to him. It might have been the truth but that doesn't mean that my memories are still my memories. Whether they are real or not. I also learned that Pony, Dallas, and Johnny had been in trouble. Darry told it to me while Dally and Johnny sat outside the room. Only because I told Ruth that Dallas set off the…attack? Or whatever.

All that I heard just made me more angered with myself. I wasn't there to protect them! And looked what happened. Pony and Johnny were attacked. Johnny killed a boy. They ran away with Dallas's help. They saved lives of small children in a fire. Dallas was burnt on the arm badly. Johnny's back was broken. Johnny almost died. He's now paralyzed from the waist down. Dallas was shoot more than five times and lived, because he thought Johnny was dead. He thought I was dead…so Darry said. He was arrested and imprisoned for seven months. He would of gotten a full charge if the gun he had was loaded. Pony almost got sent away but not before getting very sick. Bed ridden sick! Sodapop was heartbroken by that tramp Sandy. There was a rumble!

Darry went on for a good twenty minutes, despite his hesitance. Ruth egged him to go further. To tell me the truth. She wanted to see how messed up my mind really was. Now she's gotten it. It only started out as little tremors throughout my entire body. I didn't think much of it, I was too focused on Darry's voice. My eyes stayed shut as I sat on my knees. Either they were closed or staring at my ugly cotton pants. Kill was the word to set the tears into overload. All I could think about was Mom and Dad's death. How they have been dead for longer than I've been asleep.

The rocking began when I tightly fisted my hands into the blanket. My hair sweeping over my body. I whimpered for him to stop. For him to say no more. My brain couldn't take it. Not because it was confusing, but because it hurt to much. All the things I missed…things I might have been able to prevent if I wasn't sleeping ugly. Soda had begun to cry the first time I screamed. All I remember seeing when I looked to my right was Ruth standing up, shutting the door, and sitting back down. Darry stopped talking, but Ruth persisted to tell him to continue. He didn't want to. He rose from his seat, yelling through my shrieks. They didn't want to see me in pain like this, Darry fought for Ruth to seize the examination. She shook her head…I was barely able to make out her little mumbled voice.

'If she doesn't get passed this hump, she will never get better.' no one made a sound. The room froze. All that was left was my crying and screaming for it to stop. For the unwanted emotions to stop. I can only half-recall screaming to be normal. To be a normal teenage girl. That's when Pony started to cry then. As much as it hurt for me to go through the unwanted emotion, I had to. Ruth was one hundred percent right. If I wasn't able to overcome this hardcore emotions, how was I to take others.

For the longest time, they all just watched me. If I was trying to listen, I was able to hear my brother's tears. But I kept shrieking with anger. With pain. With confusion. With guilt. With love and hate! Love for my brothers. Hate for myself. Loathing would be putting it lightly. The longer time went on, the softer my tremors became. The quieter my shrieks became. I needed to know the absolute truth! What was real and what was fake!

"Water…" I whimpered as I slide to sit on my butt. My hands continued to clench the sheet, but my body was calming down now. It might have been hours…days that I sat and cried. Feeling a cold hand on mine, I let go of the blanket. Someone also placed a cold water cup in my hand. Throwing the cup to my lips; I half drank, half spilled the water all over myself. Throwing the cup, I heard it slide on the floor. I breathed through my nose. In. Out. In. Out. Take is slower. Concentrate. You have no body, you…are back in you're mind. Look around. What do you see?

"Don't cry over me." I stated with my eyes still closed. With my brothers' small whimpering in the background, I was unable to focus. Now that I let out a lot of pent up emotion…or whatever you would call it, I'm feeling somewhat relaxed.

"Are you done?" Pony said. His voice had changed so much more than it had in my dreams. He had stubble now…if it was possible. But I've barely looked at him, in fear I would fall back into my memories.

"I'm sorry." I said without emotion. Opening my tired, aching eyes; I looked over at Ruth. She still scribbled down every moment.

"You need to leave." she frowned."I can not do that." I leaned over to her."I need a piece of paper, pen…and I need you to leave." she rolled her eyes a little bit behind her glasses."What is the point of that?"

"Ruth…just please." she gave me a longing look, curiosity falling from her light blue orbs.

"Can I get you anything else?" I blinked, thinking."Pen. Paper. Hair tie…." I shook my head, my voice hitching. It was going in and out since I was screaming for such a long while. "Fuck the paper and pen. Just get me the hair tie…and my boys."

"Boys?"

"Dallas and Johnny."

"I can't send them in here." my body began to shake again."Please!" I begged by touching her arm as I leaned off the bed. "Before it starts again."

"What starts?" she asked, looking back down to her notes.

"Before I loose my self-control." pulling away from her, I closed my eyes again. Breathing deeply repeatedly, I heard her get up. Stay calm, Lucy…just think. No don't even do that, breathe. That's all that you need to do. I told myself this over and over again in my mind, preventing myself from thinking. Someone was sitting in front of me, I could feel them. They stared right into my closed face. Breathing again through my nose, I recognized the scent.

Cigarette smoke, cinnamon, and leather. Dallas fucking Winston. To keep my cool, I tried to focus just on breathing. But he was there, right in front of me. When I said I wanted my boys, I didn't mean right in my face. I wanted so much to open my eyes though. To kiss his lips until they bled. But he doesn't really love me. That was my dream…I hadn't slept with him. He didn't find me in New York. I've never been to anywhere but Oklahoma. Dallas doesn't know me the way I wanted him too. He doesn't desire the kisses that I crave…just by his scent alone.

"Get away from her Dal…" Johnny scolded in his smooth Johnnycakes voice. It was sweeter than any desert. Cooler than any ice cube. But not as cold as Dallas Winston's.

"Shut up, Johnny." he was closer than I had anticipated. When he spoke, he breath was right on my face. I could taste his air in my mouth. The thought made me unintentionally lick my lips. Dallas…was my man. Even if he didn't know it.

"Is she…" he asked breathing in my mouth again. I shivered."I don't think so…you heard her…" Darry asked as Dallas confirmed."Johnny had to talk me into on more than one occasion to not bust open the door and stealing her from this fucking place." don't open you're eyes, you will regret it. "She shouldn't be here. She isn't fucking nuts…she's just…"

"Shut up, Dallas." Soda commanded rather roughly. "We don't know what she is! Lucy might not even be hearing a single word we say. She might already be in her dream state! This is serious."

"Cool it, pal. She's means just as much to me as she does to you." if I can't look at him, I want to touch him. I don't care what they say. Lifting my hands from my lap, I reached out for him. The moment my hands connected with leather, I held back a smirk. I can't let any emotion in. Not even good emotions. If I don't focus, I will loose focus.

"What the fuck?" he mumbled into my face. I traced my hands up to his shoulder, shaking my head. In a raspy whisper, I felt his scratchy neck. He must have forgotten to shave today.

"Don't speak." I informed him. The room went silent. My hands touched his neck for a few more moments. Under my palms, I could feel his muscles contract as he moved. I could just feel his hands lift from off the bed. One of his hands brushed my arm, I fled backward a little bit.

"Don't move." I commanded quickly with the same amount of rasp. He let his arms fall back to the bed. But I did feel him adjust in front of me. Wincing back, I waited until he was situated. I reached out again, this time getting his cheeks. Even though I was not able to open my eyes, I leaned closer to his face as if I was examining it. My right hand soon made it's way up into his hair. It was longer, but not long. So tough, like horsehair, but the feeling of it in my fingers made me wonder…did I ever really think about his hair? Or him? These strange feelings aren't nothing. But they aren't real. They were my reality for months…when in truth, it had been years. Years that I had not kissed him. That I hadn't fought with him. Forever that I hadn't really…felt him. Touch him. The more I think about this reality, the other seems more and more fake…

Maybe that's why I didn't enjoy loosing my virginity, even though…I never really lost it. That was after November? Yeah, it was. Just like…running away. Getting sick. Hurting. Natalia's pregnancy wasn't real. Rocky is still my friend. She never cut my hair off…none of that really happened. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I slide my finger tips over his eyes lids.

"What was the last memory you have of me before I ran away?" I asked him quietly. He was silent, until he cleared his throat. Letting go of his face, I backed away from him a little. Just incase I freaked out again."Besides the social worker and police officer trying to take you away?" I nodded without opening my eyes. "You were upset because the gymnastics competition didn't go very well. We were…talking in your room."

What he meant to say was that we were spooning on my twin bed. But the guys never knew about our relationship…if you could call it that. It wasn't more than a few weeks that we were "together". Everyone in the other reality knew. They accepted it, like they accepted me. I wasn't messed up there…but not I don't think it's another reality. Since I'm out of that reality, I think I might be going through memories now. I might not be right, I never am…but think about it. In the elevator, I was sent back into the memory from when Darry was taking me to the hospital after the doctor visit. But now! That was after I got back from running away…but I though!

I jumped slightly, my heart pounding. Oh shit! "Darry." I said reaching for him. Strong hands took hold of my wrists as I thought for a moment. It was Darry, his warmth.

"Did I ever meet a doctor with the name…" shit, what the hell is that doctors name? Sands…Greg… "George Sanders?"

"No, I don't think so." I sighed…they aren't real memories. But the bruise, I just experienced that again. That's a memory.

"Did I ever have an ice bath because I had a bruise on my thigh?"

"Yeah…before you're competition. What's going on?"

"They are memories." I whispered sitting back again. Darry let my arms go. My head landed on the wall, I slumped down a little bit. "Real or not…memories."

"Lucy?" Darry sounded scared. And to tell you the truth, that has been one of the first times that I have ever heard that man with fear in his voice. I sat up again. Getting off the bed. I had forgotten that my legs don't work very well. If it wasn't for Darry to catch me, I would have been a pancake on the cold tile floor. I kept my eyes closed though, afraid I would fall asleep or dream…whatever it is.

"Johnnycakes." I called out, leaning my hand on the bed. Darry took me by the arm, guiding me to sit on the couth. Someone's leg was very warm next to mine. With my right hand, I patted someone's knee.

"Hi Sissy." Pony said in a low tone. I fumbled around, looking for his hand. He got the idea and slid his into mine. Holy crap did he have big hands. My small, bonelike hands barely fit in his palm. But they were warm and toasty but most of all comforting. With my left hand, I reached out to touch Johnnycakes. I half expected to feel hair, instead. I felt greasy hair.

"It's me, Lu." he said in his soft, low voice. Brushing my palm against his skin, it felt like his. I could smell the cigarettes on him as well. There was also a smell that I wasn't sure if it was him or not…alcohol. Not like beer and stuff but rubbing alcohol. I felt his tiny ears in his huge gob of hair. My hands brushed against his neck. Only to feel a different texture. Underneath my finger tips, I felt him wince. Pulling my hand quickly away, I heard him chuckle.

"Are you afraid of lil ol' me, Lu?" I nodded slightly.

"Don't want to hurt you and I don't want to…" I trailed off, not explaining that I was afraid of going back into my mind.

"Oh you wont hurt me, you couldn't hurt me…you're Lucy." I mumbled to myself.

"Or what's left of her." Ponyboy squeezed my hand tightly. I laid my back against the couch, sighing. The room was quiet. Despite the fact that I was afraid to open my eyes, I felt normal. Not normal-normal…but regular. I was surrounded by boys that I loved. It's a natural thing for me to adjust to things, despite having to fight the battles inside my mind.

Clicking heels. Why do they sound so familiar? Paige? Yes, Paige. Two clicking heels. Ruth maybe? They entered the room."Sorry boys, but it's time to go."

"What's happening?" I asked anxious, they wanted to take away my regular. I wasn't going to let them."Tara, listen carefully. We are going to induce you into sleep. We want to see if it's just episodes or if it is every time you are asleep. If my calculations are correct, than we should be able to wake you if we see any sign of abnormal brainwaves." I shook my head, holding tightly onto Pony's hand.

"No!" my eyes shot open as my voice cracked. Letting go of Pony's hand, I stumbled into the corner. Tripping over Pony and Soda who's feet were rested on the floor. I knocked the lamp over that had been on the side table. Breathing heavily, my hands gripped tightly to the walls."I'm not going back there! You can't make me! What if I don't wake up? What if I am stuck with them? Everything is half real there…nothing is the same. The warmth…the hunger…the everything! You can't make me." Dar was slowly walking towards me. Leaning out of my corner, I grabbed him by the shirt. Pulling with all my might, I made him a shield between me and the room. He towered over me with his hands pressed against the walls. I held onto his shirt, pleading with my eyes. He spoke over his shoulder.

"Is this really necessary?"

"Yes, we…" Ruth began. Sodapop wasn't going to hear it."She's not some damn experiment that you can do tests on! She's a human being! My twin, she's been through enough. We've been through enough. If she doesn't want to be induced then you will not touch her." I've never in my entire life heard Sodapop yell like that. Darry took his hands off the wall, gabbing the back of my head. Tears falling down my face again, my heart beat increasing rapidly. My breathing hitched and I crashed myself against Darry. It's happening! It's going to happen, hold on Lucy! Keep calm, not a big deal. The more I told myself, the hotter my face became. The weaker my limbs became. Darry wrapped his arms around me, holding me still. My ear was right against his heart. I could feel it flutter quickly, almost as quickly as mine."Sodapop, we need to figure what is goin…"

"Shut up! He's right. If she's finally awake, and aware of what is going on…she has a say in what's happening to her. Look what you've done to her." I hear Dally's boots tap of the floor as he stood from the bed. His voice echoed throughout the room.

"Sir, she is a very sick little girl. If we don't figure out whether this can be triggered or avoided. With other patients, they never wake up…or they…"

"They what?" Soda said dangerously in the same angered voice.

Ruth sighed. "They kill themselves."

My blood was pumping. Darry's shirt was wrinkled up into my little fists. His body the only thing from protecting me from slinking to the floor. It was happening. I could see it now. Bits and pieces, just like in the elevator. But I can still hear them arguing. Dally then Soda. Ruth and Paige against them. I wasn't really listening as I tried to keep myself form falling into the memory. Swallowing the tears in my throat that were trying to force out of my eyes, I tried to talk to Darry."Darry…it's happening." I informed, squeezing my eyes open and shut. All I was able to hear was the arguing, but all I could see was the memory."What?" he said in a deadly fearful voice. I didn't answer as I heard him ask me again, panicked. All I was able to hear was his other voice, the memory voice._"I know." he told me with his arms wrapped around me. Tears were in his eyes as he fought to keep them from spilling. We pulled apart, he shook his head at me. _

"_Don't ever do that again, agreed?" a tear fell from his eyes, which I brushed away with a nod._

"_Are you alright?" _he asked me.

"Are you alright?" I opened my eyes to find him shaking me by my shoulders. Shaking, I nodded."They left." he told me, hugging me tighter.

"Darry, I don't know what to do…I just want to be myself again."

"I know, Baby Girl. I want you to be yourself just as much. Everything will be okay. I promise." empty promises, just like Dad. Just like Dallas. Just like my memories.


	6. MINE

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders.**_

_**If this chapter is confusing and you need a little help just comment or message me. I'll do what I can to help everyone understand. It might be a while before I post the next chapter. Hope everyone enjoys.**_

_**(Language, Sexual themes in this chapter)**_

_**VickyLou**__: __Sorry it was confusing. I've never seen that movie but I've heard it was good. Thank you for the review, I really appreciate it!_

_**DracoMalfoy4Ever**__: __Here's the update for ya, : )_

_The Italicized_ and underlined is her subconscious. It's not real, if anyone was wondering.

**Life Goes On**

_MINE_

If you can believe it, today is April the twenty-first. I've been awake for exactly thirty six days. The day I woke, I had problems adjusting to my…condition. Eventually, I understood it more. They let me read notes from previous patients. Ruth was inspired by me, she told me once. I'm the only patient that she has had or researched that has been able to overcome the condition. Meaning, I don't give up.

Every once in a while, I will have an attack…as I call them. Memories. That's what they are. Whether they are real or not, they still happened to me. Ruth had to talk me into sleeping, inducing me into sleep. And for the first time in over sixteen months, I had a real dream. I woke up on my own…the third time I was induced. Every day since the time I've been awake, they've run tests on me. As much to mine and my family's displeasure, they had to. If I was ever going to get better, I had to discover…something inside. Just like the doctors. They still don't have a name for it. I just call it being insane.

My brothers have been VERY supportive during the last month. Almost everyday one of them comes down to talk with me. Each of them tell me about their lives and how much has changed. They tell me everything, because I want them too. Even though I cry every time they talk to m. it's just so upsetting that I've been away for so long. Darry mainly just talks about his job and the bills. Brothers too, sometimes. He even cried a few times. But that was only if the door was securely shut. Brother was very upset about shoving Pony that one time. He mentioned it more than once. I could tell that it really tore him up. Which really hurt me.

Twiny comes the most often. His eyes bleed tears almost as often as my own. There hasn't been a day that I haven't started to cry. That is…until today. He talks about the gang a lot. Mostly about Steve. Sodapop almost felt bad for saying it, but he told me Steve was like his second twin. This just made me laugh, because I had always considered him to be his twin. I made him tell me what Steve and Two-bit were like now. Said they were pretty much the same besides a few things. Two-bit is a lot more responsible since the incident with Johnny and Pony. He doesn't steal anymore, so

Two-y proclaims. Doesn't drink all day long, only on Saturdays. Also, he takes care of everyone a lot more. Thinks about their feelings. While he was telling me, I had an…attack. It was the memory of us sneaking over into the neighbors pool. That's when Two-bit tried to kiss me. I mentioned it to Sodapop. He wasn't sure what to say about it, so he stayed silent.

Steve is the same old Steve, Soda told me. Going on three years with Evie. I told my twin about how much I dislike Evie. Just because I don't trust her. I'm afraid that she's going to hurt Steve. Soda rolled his eyes telling me to focus on myself instead of Steve and Evie. How can I do that? Evie is a malicious bitch that will hurt him! Just like Sand hurt Sodapop. We talked about that too. How she got pregnant with another guys kid while they were dating. Makes me so mad, I could kill her. I told Soda that I met Sandy in my…dreams. He smiled, thinking it was because he talked about her so much to me while I was sleeping. I smiled too, just because my twin stuck by me when I was a zombie. I really do love him.

Pony explained to me in full detail about him and Johnny. They are closer than ever. Johnny pretty much lives with my brothers now. His parents are disgusted with his condition, so they hardly ever let him in the house. When they do…it's usually his mom that lets him stay. For a while now his Dad has been in and out of the house. Johnny said to Pony he doesn't know where his old man goes, but he doesn't really care. I smiled, I'm glad Pony found someone to latch onto.

None of the boys came to see me, but they all knew I was awake. I thought it was somewhat for the better because there really was too much going on in my mind for me to really focus on them. I shouldn't be focused on them, even if my thoughts are preoccupied by them countless times. Right now, it's twelve-O-seven. Minutes ago I finished my lunch. It feels so good to eat again. I mean…REALLY eat. The food here is so good too. I'm very pleased with myself, I've gained nine pounds in the last month. When I woke up, I was only a hundred and two pounds….too little to be strong in my opinion. Physical therapy started days after I woke as well, building up my strength again. It's the best part of the day for me. They have a whole floor here for exercise. And the trainer I have, lets me do gymnastics sometimes. He doesn't allow me to do big stuff, but he lets me on the uneven bars. They have those near the horse and rings. It's amazing.

I've gotten comfortable here, despite my homesickness. My brothers coming helps a lot, but they come in the afternoon. During the day, I have to entertain myself when they aren't running tests or talking to me about my experiences. I've become a very open individual. This experience has taught me to keep an open mind and let people in. Ruth still believe that at any second, I could go back into a coma. Or even develop a depression…eventually killing myself. But I told her I would never do that, no matter what. I have to carry on.

My brothers are very curious about what I've gone through as well. They know most of it. Running away. Tattoos. Drugs. New York. My over obsession with keeping them and the gang safe. Rocky and me fighting. My hair being cut off. My broken ribs. Everything…except my relationship with Dallas. I have chosen to keep that between myself and Ruth. Just because, she's my doctor/therapist. She promised to never let a single memory leave her lips. Which I'm happy for. Someone I can trust besides my brothers.

Right now, I sit on the couch…finishing my lunch. Moments ago, I had an attack. Sometimes they are triggered from something that is said or something I see. Other times, they just happen randomly. The maximum in the last few days that I've been out is two to three hours. The least amount of time is just a few minutes. Ruth has noticed changes in my sleeping pattern while I'm under an attack. Sometimes, my eyes will still be open. I wont even pass out. There was once that I continued to do what I was doing. That was in the gym though. I explained it as my body sleep walking in a way. Ruth is concerned for me. But I don't see the big deal, just another symptom of some kind.

We've talked it over, her and I. We also have talked it over with Darry. The three of us have a date set for when I can come home, but its pending. It's determined whether I progress…which I am. Ruth told us not to tell anyone about the date, which we haven't. May fifteenth, if I continue to progress. I plan to do so. Every day is just as hard as the last, but I will prevail.

I still think about my parents a lot. In the last few days I've had the same attack while I was thinking about them. The fight with Mom. It's just pieces of it, like when I tell her I hate her. When I come too, I'm usually sobbing. It happened the first time while I was talking to Sodapop. He's really adapted to this. Now that he's around me more, he knows the signs that eventually bring me to the point of the attack. Darry and Pony know how to handle it, but they just don't realize that I'm having an attack at first. They usually wait for me to come too, if I'm calm. If it's something where I'm screaming or sobbing, they just talk to me. It helps, I think. Helps me come back quicker.

Okay, so about the fifteenth. There are a few conditions. I have to come back here, twice a week. Which is reasonable. Ruth will also be making house calls. She will be visiting me randomly during the week. We also have to exercise precautions. I'm not aloud to leave the house alone. I'm not allowed to drive, even though I never really drove before. Only in emergency situations did I ever. Besides that, I've never had a license. Other than that, I'm pretty chill with the arrangements. As long as I'm with my brothers. OH! And everyone in my life that I seen on a daily basis has to take some class…Ruth said I'm not aloud to be there when they do it but yeah…All the guys are going to take it before I go home. That's what Darry told me.

Paige just came in to take my lunch tray. She stands over me with a polite smile, the tray resting against her hip. I smiled up at her as well."Do you think you might be up for a nap?" she asked. I frowned at her. Just because I can sleep and wake up on my own, I still don't like sleeping. Sometimes I'll go into the other world instead of my dreams. I always know when that happens. The entire "dream" is always very scary for me…because it's not like a normal dream. When I'm there, I feel like I'm completely there. I can feel everything normally there, only it's sometimes more intense. Since it's a memory, I know what's going to happen. There was one time that I prevented to change the memory. That's when they woke me up. Ruth told me to never do that, it could damage my memories permanently. It might cause me to loose my memory or for me to latterly…go insane. Either way, I am crazy and I hate going into that reality.

"I'm not really tired. I think I might just…"

"Just what?" excuse? Excuse?

"Just rest here for a while. Think, you know." she shook her head, moving towards the door."Did you have an episode?" they have to record how often I have them. I could always lie about the ones that I have when I'm alone, but that would be stupid. It might effect my progress, and I don't want that.

"Yes. It was quick from what I could tell." she nodded, noting it in her mind.

"Do you mind telling me what it was? Was it one of the common ones you've been having?"

"It was about my father. I've never had that one before…."

"I'll be right back. Then you can tell me." I nodded knowing she would do that anyway. When she was gone, I leaned my head back after getting comfortable. My legs crossed under me on the couch, my hands rested on my knees. Thankfully, they let Darry bring me some of my clothes. It's a lot more comfortable than where those ugly gowns or pajamas. They don't like me to wear anything to colorful. Ruth has a theory that bright colors can change a part of the brains functions….or at least that's what I got from the exercise. She put different pieces of cloth in front of me. Wanting me to tell her what I saw or thought of when I looked at the color and texture. I suppose that's why they colors in here are so plain and ugly.

She does a lot of strange tests on me like that. More than once did her test trigger an attack. Ruth is a nice woman, really…but she is to logical. I think that's the word I'm trying to think of. She gets to pumped about my pain. Each attack is knew for her, exciting. But for me, it's hell. Think about having two worlds. Some people would think that it would be cool. You could have countless do overs. New experiences. Whatever…it's not fun. It's confusing and brings me anguish. Most of the memories that I go through are bad. Being stabbed. Attacked. Worry. Hurt. Death. But there is always the random good one, like the one I had during lunch.

"Okay." Paige said as she sat down next to me on the couch. A clipboard on her lap. "Ready?"

I nodded, thinking back to the memory. As I spoke about it, I was almost able to see it in front of me.

_In the arm chair was a sleeping Darry. He was slightly snoring in his slumber, his right foot twitching gently on the coffee table while his other foot on the floor. On the floor were my other two brother. Pony had his head rested on his arm when Soda was laying his head on Pony's stomach. Soda was drooling on Ponyboy's shirt. I smiled at the scene, they tried waiting up for me. My eyes trail over to the couch were my parent were resting. _

_My mother had her feet crunched together on the couch. Her arms were cradling my fathers right arms. She was leaning her head on Dad's shoulder. They both were holding hands. Mom was sound asleep, Dad on the other hand was sitting up. Both his legs rested on the floor as he was leaned against the couch. He was upright and staring right at me. His cool eyes looking right through me as I stood there._

I looked over at Paige, describing the scene to her. She smiled over at me.

"That night, I had run out of the house. I had a feeling something bad was going to happen if I was there. When I got home, my Dad told me everything was going to be alright. Two days later, he died."

"Woman's intuition?" she said with a small smile.

"Lucy intuition." someone corrected at the door. We both turned our heads to see a tall man in the doorway. I had to hold my breath to keep myself from gasping out loud. Paige smiled over at me, patting my arm before getting off the couch. She moved passed the man as he lightly smiled at her.

He walked with a swagger as he made his way over to me. His eyes smiling at me as he smirked at me. Looking down at me, I looked up at him. My heart was pumping quickly. I had to look away from him, closing my eyes. Taking a few deep breathes, I fumbled with my fingers. He sighed. I stood up with my eyes still closed. That quickly changed as I forced my eyes open. He was here. Here with me. But why? Why would Dallas show up here, on his own.

As we stared into each other's eyes, I thought of kissing him. Those moist lips still tease me. But we had only kissed a few times before I ran away. It wouldn't be the same for him. Even if his eyes have a hood of attraction in them. He broke the eye contact was he looked down my body, smirking."You're looking a lot better since the last time I saw you." he commented with a smirk. The ice was broken and I sighed heavily. Pulling my right hand to his cheek, I lightly patted it."And you've shaven since I saw you laugh." he chuckled at me, his shoulders shaking. Blinking at me, he looked over his shoulder. Turning around, he walked towards the door. Closing it, he turned with a smile."Privacy is a virtue?" I shook my head.

"No around here. It's hard to even have it closed while I'm changing my clothes." we both rolled our eyes. I stared at him admirably for a few moments. He was my man! Those lips belonged to me and me only. That collar bone. His big, strong hands that would caress my skin so gently. That laugh! Was mine! Dallas looked at me curiously."I'm not going to beat around the bush." he said bluntly, throwing me off of my thoughts of him being MINE! Selfish? Yes. A fact? Yes. A memory. Yes.

"I wouldn't expect you to be." we looked at each other from across the room, not saying a word. The two of us were comfortable just looking at each other. My heart still pounded out of my chest with every intense pump. I was sure that he was hearing it though he didn't acknowledge the sound. Finally, he said what he was going to before.

"Your brothers told me about some of the things you went through, I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you." my eyes became downcast."Believe me when I say, you were."

"You said my name an awful lot." I nodded.

"You were there a lot." he stepped closer to me, but we were still far apart. The proximity between us was killing me, I wanted him against me…just as it had been before."How?" I shook my head. "I have a right to know."

"Oh?" I said giving him a look of mock surprise. "I don't think you do. In fact, I don't have to tell anyone anything. They are my thoughts and my memories…even if they never really happened."

Again, he stepped closer. Even if I wanted to fucking kiss him to death and wanted him close to me…I wish he didn't take another step near me. His eyes didn't quite glare at me as he watched me. "Tell me anyway.""Because?"

"Because I need to know, Lu. I…don't know how to talk about this. You may be…you and everything but it's hard to talk about. You know me."

"This is very hard to talk about. But I'm not so sure who it's more difficult for." he took another step closer. "I thought you were going to be blunt about this?"

"You want me to just come out and say how I feel about this?" I nodded as he took another step. Now he was getting close. Only a foot between us."I still care about you the way I did before all this shit went down." I closed my eyes. "Don't you?"

"You want to know? Really? You want to know what I 'dreamt' about?" he nodded as I did air quotes around the word dreamt.

That's it. I told him. Every single experience with him. All our fights and all our nights together. Right up with the time we slept together for the first time. As I told him, his face changed. I'm not sure how, but it did. I told him about the kisses. The teasing. The crying and the comforting. I love him to death, and I told him that. He didn't seem to believe me, but he stayed silent the entire time. When I was done, he took another step forward. He only asked three words."Are you serious?" I nodded looking down to the ground. When I looked back up, there was a smirk on his face. It was a cocky, proud smirk that was trying not to turn into a smile. Moments later, he crashed his lips with mine.

Immediately, I let my hunger take over for me. I fisted my hand in his hair tightly and he lifted me off the ground. The kiss was intense as we furiously chomped at each other's faces. His smirk was not getting in the way of the kiss, but it did intensify it. When we pulled apart, my eyes were closed. Dallas slowly loosened his grip on my back, letting me slip down his body. My feet touched the ground and I smiled to myself goofily. Dallas panted out into my face."Holy shit." he stated. Opening my eyes, I thought about the kiss. It was nothing compared to the kisses that he gave me before. They were only half real in my other life. Now, it was like Darry's warmth…it was whole again. Everything was so damn real now. Like the food I eat. I can taste it. But nothing is sweeter than those lips of his.

"Was that…did we just?" Dallas said looking down at me. I nodded with the same goofy smile. "Where have you been?" he said in an exaggerated voice.

Without a word, I pulled his face closer to my own. This kiss wasn't as intense, but it was gentle with lust. The longer we were engulfed in the kiss, the faster it became. We backed up into the wall next to the window. My hands moved down his head to his shirt inside his leather jacket. Gripping it tightly, I pulled him closer to me. My left leg was in-between his parted legs. With his left hand, he lifted my right leg around his hip. I throbbed against him, it was almost painful. Our lips left each other as he moved my shirt to kiss my trapezoid muscle. I closed my eyes as he began to suck on it.

Wanting to get closer to him, I jumped up slightly. He anticipated this and helped me wrap my other leg around his waist. My arms went around his neck to help support myself on him. Moving his tough over my muscle again, I let out a small but hearty moan. Hearing the effect that he had over me, he moved back to my mouth. Dallas pined me against the wall so I was able to loosen my arms around his neck. I put my palms on his trapezoid muscles to pull him closer to me. His hips thruster in-between my legs. I was able to feel the hard bulge in his jeans against me. It made me shiver as he hissed at me for doing that to him. I didn't feel bad for it, I needed him next to me. We stopped kissing for a moment to take a breathe.

My hands trailed down his stomach, causing him to shiver. Our eyes both hooded with lust. I let my legs slide down him a little bit, causing me to stifle a small groan. He threw his head back for a moment, gritting his teeth together with a hiss. My feet dropped to the ground and I took him by the shoulders. Rolling him into the wall, me in front of him. His legs were parted father apart. I set myself right in-between them, feeling him on my lap. Pushing up against him, he gritted his teeth again. Dally's hands were on my hips trying to keep me a safe distance from him hard. But I persist red to be against him.

He lowered his neck down to me as we hungrily kissed each other. Skillfully with my hands, I started to slide his jacket from his shoulders. We let it drop to the floor with a small clank on it's zipper. His white shirt was the next to go, he didn't really seem to notice until I tossed it with the jacket. Dallas pulled away from the kiss as I massaged his chest with my hands."We need to slow down." I shook my head, jumping in his mouth again. My lap pressed against him feeling him throb along with me. He groaned into the kiss as leaned further on him.

Both my hands trailed his bare shoulders down to his hands. His right hand went to my neck rubbing my earlobe with his thumb. I guided his left hand to just below my breast. When I pushed his hand towards it, he shook with anticipation to touch my breast. Another moan escaped my lips as he finally allowed himself to get a good grip. He didn't knead it like I expected, but he just cupped his hand over it. Letting his hand fall, he pulled apart panting again."I'm serious, we need to slow down." I shook my head once more, needed more from him. It wasn't the same as the "memory". This felt more real. This was causing my hormones to get the better of me, but that was okay. I wanted to let them take control. I needed them to take control.

"Lucy. Come on." he said as I tangled my finger around his left nipple. His chest moving up and down as he panted down on me. I panted out on his chest, not caring. "What are you trying to accomplish?"

"I'm not sure." I said breathlessly.

"Look what you've done to me." he said looked down to his jeans. I looked down as well seizing with his nipple. Dallas was bulging next to my lap. My lap that was pulsating in lust.

"I want you, Dallas." I told him with breathless.

"You have no idea how happy that makes me feel…be I'm serious, we gotta cool down." I nodded reluctantly. Curling my arms into my chest, I leaned into his. He wrapped his arms around me as he waddled us over to the couch. Twirling around, he laid down on his back. He brought me with him. Dally's left leg rested on the floor as the other sat up on the couch. My left ear was right against his heart as it pumped quickly. I laid right in-between his legs. We throbbed at the same rhythm, our bodies in sync. He breathed out a sigh.

"Well…" I turned my head to look up at him as he tiled his head to look at me. "I didn't expect that when I decided to come visit you this morning."

We both chuckled. "I didn't expect you at all. I thought I had ruined everything when I ran away. You found me you know.."

"Sodapop told me about that. I'm glad I was smart enough to come look for you."

"I'm glad you were smart enough to come see me today." I said shifting to my side.

"Well if you were alone in New York, I would want to come find you. Just like I did. I'm glad I did, to keep you safe and bring you home."

I shook my head at him. "It didn't really happen, Dal. I'd rather focus on the now…" he nodded to me as I closed my eyes. An attack coming on. I didn't tell him it was, I just let it take me over.

_We both stood in the New York apartment, I beat his chest furiously. Crying the word no as he tried to get me to hug him back. Finally, I caved a fell to the ground. My hands clenched his shirt for support. Both my shoulders were up to my ears with tension. His smooth hands rubbed me to try to calm my screams. _

_He cradled me in his arms, hand in hand. Calming down, I sighed heavily into his chest. After a moment of silence, I pulled myself away from Dallas. I dragged my feet as I scoffed off into the bathroom. After relieving myself of my burden, I washed my hands. While leaning into the sink, I stared at myself in the mirror. My reflection scared me with disappointment. _

_"Fuck you!" I said with the curl of my upper lip._

"Lu?" Dallas asked me, pulling me from my memory. "Are you crying?"

I guess I was. Closing my eyes, I let the silent tears roll onto Dally's warm chest. His arms tightened around me when he realized that I was. I think he knew that I just had an episode, but didn't know what to do. But that was okay, we were together again. He was MINE! Once more.


	7. Can't Change the Past

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from The Outsiders movie or book.

If this chapter is confusing and you need a little help just comment or message me. I'll do what I can to help everyone understand. It might be a while before I post the next chapter. Hope everyone enjoys.

(Language, in this chapter)

The _Italicized_ and underlined is her subconscious. It's not real, if anyone was wondering.

**Life Goes On**

_Can't Change the Past_

"Lucy, you've been running for over twenty minutes…take a break." Paige called from the doorway of the track room. I passed her without stopping to talk to her. "Come on now…twenty minutes is your limit remember?"

"I have to break that limit, Paige. How the hell do any of you expect me to get better if I'm doing the same old stuff? I need to push myself a little more every day." I yelled over my shoulder, feeling my sweat drip down my temple.

"Your brothers are here to see you though." she whined, knowing Ruth would be pissed if I didn't stop when told. "Come shower so you can have lunch with them."

"Not hungry." I hollered with a chuckle.

"What am I going to have to do to get you to stop running?" I sped up slightly, trying to push myself to my absolute limit. When I passed her, she tried to step in front of me. Dodging her, I continued to speed up my running.

"I'll stop when I'm ready."

"Don't think I wont get your brothers in here to get you to stop running." she threatened as I breathed heavily through my nose. I was getting serious now, I wasn't playing a game anymore. There isn't much she can do to get me to stop. It's up to me whether I want to stop or not.

"Go for it." I said not very loudly. Her sigh echoed throughout the large room as she turned to leave the track. There was only one other person in there with me. Every time I would pass him up, he would groan loudly with himself. Or I could hear him moan as he would try to pick up speed. He's in there almost every day that I am. Chris is his name, Ruth said he has memory loss from a motorcycle accident. Poor guy seems pretty bitter about everything. But I admire him for keep coming and trying his best, that's why I don't mind having to share the tack with him.

"Are you causing trouble, Twiny?" Sodapop called as he and Ponyboy walked into the large room followed by Paige. Chuckling, I passed them with out a word."Come on to lunch, Luc. Darry's waiting for us. He's in a bad mood too so I don't think you want him coming in here to get you to stop." Pony recommended to me from across the track. I stopped running for a moment, thinking. Heavily breathing, I smirked over to my brothers.

"I'll make you guys a deal. I'll stop running if one of you can beat me in a race. If not, I keep running until I see fit for me to stop. Deal?" they both looked at each other, than Paige."By all means." she said motioning to me. I started to cool down by walking my way over to them around the track. They waited patiently for me before I stood in front of them with a tired smile. Spitting in my sweaty hand, I stuck it out towards them. Each of them spit in their own hands before shaking mine. Nodding, we each got into position."Chris, you might want to get over to the side for a moment." Paige told him politely. He nodded, shuffling over to the side of the track to sit on the bench offered. The three of us both bent down at the starting line.

"If I can't beat you, I know Ponyboy will. He's faster than lightening." Sodapop commented as we got on our marks.

"On your mark. Get set." Paige said from the side lines. "Go!"

The three of us took off at a fast pace. Both of them were in front of me before I set myself in high gear. Passing Sodapop was the easy part, now for Ponyboy. We started to come to the second turn, when I really started to breath hard. My vision was becoming blurry as I shook my head, I had to win. Pushing myself even harder, I was so close to passing Ponyboy before we got to the finish line. As we ran over it, we each slowed to a stop. I shook my head quickly trying to stop the on coming attack. The other day, I was able to stop myself from having one. So for the last week I've been training my body to fight them back. Ruth said that isn't a healthy thing to do, but I still try to.

It wasn't working as I heard Ponyboy cheer for his victory. My breathing was heavily difficult as I stumbled around looking for a wall. Turning, I blinked at him a few times as he started to walk over. My weight was getting heavier as I forced myself to get towards the wall before I left this reality. Pony started to run towards me when he realized what was happening. I heaved hard gusts of air through my mouth, wincing at it's pain. It hurt so bad, like my lungs were on fire. Just before blacking out, I saw Ponyboy reach out for me.

"_**Darry!"**__ I screamed at the top of my lungs. Groaning loudly, I held onto my chest with both arms. Why did it hurt so much? I hollered for Darry again as my eyes squeezed shut with pain. As I turned around, I hoped to have Darry right behind me. Two strong arms wrapped around me tightly, picking me up bridal style. It hurt just as much to be carried as it did to walk. What was going on? I must be having an attack. But where am I? I don't recall this memory very well. Is it a new one? When I opened my eyes, I looked up at the sky as it moved from the person running with me in their arms. Forcibly moving my arm from my chest, I touched the top of my head. My hand got tangled in the short bloody locks. This is the night that Rocky and I fought in the park. Tears were heavily falling down my cheeks as I wheezed out in pain._

_I leaned my head onto the chest of the person carrying me, remembering it was Two-bit. Looking at him Mickey Mouse shirt to his face, he gave me a concerned expression. Wheezing again, I clenched a fist right on Mickey's face._

"_Two, it hurts." I chocked out a few more sputters of blood onto myself as Two-bit simultaneously increased his speed. His grip on me tightened slightly as I looked up at him. After glancing down at the fresh blood that fell onto my chest and arm, he looked over his shoulder._

"_We're right here, Baby girl!" I heard Darry holler, coming up to look over Two-bit shoulder at me. Tossing my head back in pain, I pulled at Two-bit's shirt._

"_Holy Christ." I breathed painfully. My body shook in pain as I let out a heavy scream. Two-bit sped up more, trying to get me to safety._

_He shushed me as I felt something wet hit my cheek. I looked up to Two-y, seeing tears falling from his eyes. "It's gonna be okay, Louie."_

_Darry ran in front of Two-bit now as we approached the house. He opened the gate and the frond doors to let us in. Two-bit hurried through the doors, carrying me into the house._

"_Kitchen, Two-bit." Darry commanded walking on our toes. Two-bit gently set me down on the kitchen floor as Darry turned the light on. I wouldn't let go of Two-bit's shirt as he tried to stand up. He touched my hand, prying it from his shirt. I choked out again, feeling my lungs rattle. Two-y moved away from me, passing by Darry._

"_Get out of here." he commanded the entire group of greasers. I tried to lift my head to look passed the counter, but only pain came in reply. My chest arched up as my back threw me forward, a small sting caused me to convulse slightly. Darry looked at me but only for a quick second before standing up._

"_Soda." I wheezed. "Ponyboy."_

"_They are right here, Baby. Don't talk." Darry ordered me as he crouched down to me again. I closed my eyes for a slight second._

When I opened them, all the pain was gone. It was like an instant pain relief. The only thing that was familiar from moments ago until now, was my heavy breathing. I blinked a few times more, seeing Paige's face in mine. Starting to sit up, my head swerved a little. Paige silently ordered me to lay back down by pushing at my shoulder, but I kept sitting up. With a scowl on my face, I moved around to lean my back on the wall. Soda and Pony were standing behind Paige, having an arm around each other. They each gave each other a tight squeeze right before I heard Darry's booming voice."What's the hold up?" I turned my head slowly to see Darry walking into the room and over to Sodapop and Pony. He looked at me with an aggravated expression. Ponyboy was right, he is in a bad mood.

"Tara had an attack." Sodapop answered. "I'm surprised you didn't hear her down the hall."

"Was she screaming?" he asked seizing the aggravated expression.

"She was for you." I closed my eyes, feeling slightly embarrassed. Chris was still in the room I bet, he's never seen me have an attack like that. Plus, I haven't screamed or talked during an attack for two weeks now.

"Are you alright?" Paige asked as I started to stand up. I shook my head no as I blindly walked towards the door. When I opened my eyes, I was going through the door way and turning towards the locker rooms. Going inside, I walked over to my locker and grabbed my shower supplies along with a towel. I turned the shower on in the next room before stripping of my clothing. Stepping under the chilling water, I leaned against the wall.

I leave in four days, on the fifteenth of May. Just like Ruth promised me. The best part about it is that I will be able to step outside. For the last three months, I've been stuck in this God forsaken building. The sunlight comes through the windows, but there is a cover over the windows in my room. Nothing can be seen through those windows, unfortunately for me. I'm just upset because I don't want to mess up my chance to leave by going backwards. I don't think I could take being told I wasn't allowed to leave.

This place is great and all, but I want to live normally for once. I want to get a job and have a normal school experience. Dally and I have decided to lay off the relationship, despite our feelings. So I'm single. Maybe I could get a normal boyfriend too. I want something familiar for once! Just once.

Turning the water off, I wrapped the towel around myself. Picking up my small basket of shower supplies, I went back over to my locker. Putting on a new pair of underwear and shorts, I sat down on the bench behind me. With the towel still around my torso, I leaned forwards onto my knees.

"Normal." I snorted to myself. Moments later, Paige came walking into the room. By now I can tell what her clicking heels sound like. She rounded the corner and sat down on the bench.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, having a notepad in her hands. I looked down at the paper with disgust and stood up.

"Do I have a choice?" with my back to her, I put on a cotton bra. After that I pulled a gray shirt over it. Walking over to the mirror, I crashed a brush though my hair. My long locks dripped down the back of my legs as I stared back at myself. Pulling my hair into my hands, I rung out some what from it's tips. Then I turned back to my locker, shoving everything inside of it. Practically slamming the door shut, I felt my eyes become blurry again. Putting a hand over them, I cursed myself."Damn it, not again." I felt Paige grab my forearms from behind. She guided me to sit on the bench right before I felt myself get heavier. Desperately, I tried to stay put in reality. But my mind was being stubborn and I was soon standing in our old front yard.

_"Its not lady like to play football, you're growing up. You need to face facts about that. Go get some girlfriends and stop hanging out with your brothers' friends." Mom said to me very defensively. She stood in front of me with her feet firmly planted on the ground. My body shook with anger, until I realized what was going on. I'm in a memory again. This isn't just an ordinary memory, this is one with my parents. I've only had one with my parents in it, but I never interact with them. Mom is yelling at me, this is the fight with her the day they died._

_Without another thought, I ran and crashed into her. Hugging her fiercely, I started to cry. Mom was slightly taken aback, but she wrapped her arms around me as well. "I love you so much!" I screamed."I love you too, honey." she said stroking my hair lovingly. "But you still aren't allowed to play football today."_

"_I'll never play football again…" I sobbed into her shoulder. "If you just stay home today. Please?"_

"_I can't do that. Your Dad and I have a picnic date. It might be our last chance before it becomes too cold." pulling her towards the house, she tried to pull away from me._

"_Let go, Lucy. We have to go before all the good spots are taken." _

"_No. You can't go." I sobbed louder. She pushed me away, backing up into the car._

"_Stop acting like a child this moment, Lucile. We'll be back later." she said as she got inside the passenger side of the are. Dad hopped in as well, starting up the car. I started to run after them as they turned down the road, but suddenly I wasn't in the middle of the road any more. _

I was sitting on the bench in the locker room, Paige and Ruth standing above me. Tears were flowing down my eyes as I looked up at them. Where are they? My brothers! I needed to see them so badly. The moment my bare feet touched down to the floor, I moved around the two doctors to search for them.

"Darry!" I screamed with tears rolling down my cheeks. Crashing through the door or the locker room, I ran to the track room. The only one inside there was Chris, he still limped around the track painfully.

"Sodapop!" turning on my heels, I ran passed a confused Ruth and Paige."Lucy, what's the matter? What did you see?" Ruth called after me as I ran as fast as I could down the hallway.

Getting to the opening of it, I looked from right to left. "Ponyboy!"

There was no answers except for weird glances from patients walking down the hallways. "Anyone!"

"Lucy!" Darry's voice was deep and loud as I started to run passed patients.

"Darry!" I sobbed, still searching for me. My heart was pounding as I heard his heavy boots collide with the floor. He wasn't far.

"Where are you?" he hollered as I turned the corner. Darry was jogging towards me looking very worried. I sped up, crashing into his chest."Darry I saw her. I touched her! But she still left."

"You need to calm down, your shaking…" Darry commented, pulling me closer to him."I don't care. I don't care." I rubbed my face onto his chest, trying to feel his warmth. His Dad warmth. "It was Mom. She was yelling at me. Can you believe that?"

Darry shushed me as he swayed the two of us back and forth. "They still left, even though I begged her not to. Darry, I don't understand."

"I don't either."

"I guess you can't change the past, even in a memory." I said calming down even more. Darry pulled me higher into his arms, holding me off the floor.

"Lets get you something to eat, okay?" I nodded into his shoulder, letting him carry me down the hall. This has been such an aggravating day.


	8. No More of This

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from The Outsiders movie or book.

If this chapter is confusing and you need a little help just comment or message me. I'll do what I can to help everyone understand. It might be a while before I post the next chapter. Hope everyone enjoys.

(Language, in this chapter)

The _Italicized_ and underlined is her subconscious. It's not real, if anyone was wondering.

**Life Goes On**

_No More of This_

"I'll just have the broccoli soup, Benny." I ordered to the chef in the cafeteria. He nodded sweetly at me and spilled some of the soup into a bowl for me. Handing it to me, I smiled at him. "Thanks, Benny."

"You have a nice night now, Miss. Lucy."

"You too." I said while I lifted my plate over to the drinks. Ponyboy was over there, fumbling with his and Sodapop's drinks. Before he could drop on, I came up behind him and grabbed it. He gave me a side smile as he placed the lid on the cup. Handing him the one I saved, he did the same. Before walking away, he turned and kissed me on the temple. I smiled at him before I turned to get myself a water bottle.

Darry came up on my right, his plate full of everything they put out to grab. I handed him a water, knowing he was going to have that. Smiling at me, we both walked around the corner to sit with our brothers. I took a seat next to Sodapop and across from Ponyboy. Soda and I were in a booth, so we sat close to each other. It was quite chilly in there so I was happy to have him warmth next to me. Nothing was said as the four of us began to eat our food. We were halfway through the meal when Sodapop jumped into a small conversation."So how is everyone?" I glance sideways at him as Darry looked up from his food. Ponyboy still seemed to be in his own little world until he slowly turned to look at Sodapop."What?" he asked with his eyebrows raised slightly.

"I asked how everyone was doing?" Pony nodded, taking a glance at Darry.

"I'm alright. A bit nervous for tomorrows meet. Should be really stressful because it's one of the last one before championships. Everyone will be all uneasy and pointing fingers." I frowned, I wish I could go watch him compete. My little brother running with all his might to beat the person in front of him. So exciting.

"You'll do fine, little buddy. Just takes concentration and stamina. You have plenty of both." Darry commented before stuffing a piece of pear in him mouth. Sodapop nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, you're one of the fastest on the team. You got this!" I smiled at Ponyboy, giving him my support.

"How are you doing Darry?" Ponyboy asked cautiously, leaning down to eat more of his chicken sandwich. "I'm fine." he almost growled. "Had a bad day though."

"What happened?" I asked, feeling the same way.

"They are just letting a lot of people go down at the construction yard now. One of my buddies was laid off today. It just makes me a little worried and stressed out." we all nodded, understanding what he was going through.

"I'm sorry, Brother." I said, reaching across the table to touch his hand. He looked down at it before glancing up to meet my eyes. Darry smiled at me as I pulled back to lean against Sodapop again."What about you, Luc?" Ponyboy asked me."I had a bad day too." frowning, I looked down at my half eaten bowl of soup. "Had two attacks today. They weren't exactly the best experiences."

"What were they? Ruth said you wouldn't tell Paige about the first one." Sodapop commented as I took a small spoonful of my soup.

"Remember me telling you about the fight that Rocky and I had in the park?" each of them nodded, knowing what I was talking about. "Well it was after the fight, when I was screaming and running around in pain."

"Oh." Sodapop said not to happy with the result. "Lucy, what is it like?"

"What do you mean?" I said turning to look at Soda.

"I mean, what does it feel like to be in one place and than show up in another with completely different environments?"

"Annoying." I said with a chuckle to lighten the mood. Each of them chuckled as well, only to become serious again."Really, Luc?" Sodapop pushed the subject.

"How the hell would you feel if at one moment you were laughing and having a great time with your family. Then out of nowhere, you were in severe pain. You were disoriented because you weren't sure what was going on or where you were. Blood dripping from your head and you can't breathe. All you can do is cry and wish for it to stop. Or how about seeing a person that is supposed to be dead? How would that make you feel?"

All was silent until I jumped in again. "It would make you feel completely insane. It would make you feel so cut off from the world."

We continued to eat after that, without another word. I know I killed the mood, but how the fuck does Sodapop think I would feel? It's not a fun thing, not in the least. Having to see things that have already happened just confuses me. Or having to experience something that I know hasn't really happened, throws my world in disarray. I have no familiar. Nothing is normal for me. That's all I want. That's all I ask.

"How you doing, Soda?" Ponyboy asked, trying to change the tension around the early dinner table."I had a great day. Steve, Two-bit, and I went to the drag races this morning, won twenty-two dollars. It's been raining all day, but that just made it all the more fun." Twiny said proudly.

"Sounds like a great time." I commented, also trying to change the environment.

"It was, Steve and Two-bit told me to tell you hi." smiling, I looked over at Sodapop.

"Hi guys." I said quietly. Then I heard a chuckled come through the small crowd of the cafeteria. Looking towards the door, my mouth slowly started to part nervously. My right hand moved and clenched tightly onto Sodapop's jean leg. He put his hand on top of mind, rubbing it to try to calm me. I shut my eyes to make sure I wouldn't have another attack. My back forcefully leaned into the back of the booth seat, keeping myself from them. When I was certain I was okay, I slowly opened my eyes again.

Johnny was being pushed by Dallas as Two-bit and Steve dodged people to get over to our table. I blinked heavily again, trying to clear my thoughts. Were they really here? Two-bit ran into someone who was standing up from their chair, chuckling a sorry. Steve chuckled, pulling Two-bit along with him. Sodapop moved my hand from his pants leg and held it in his palm. I looked over at him a little frightened."Ruth said it was okay if she talked to them first. We wanted to surprise you." I nodded, looking back over towards them. Steve and Two-bit now stood, waiting for me to stand as well. Each of them held a goofy grin that told me they were very happy to see me. I forced myself to smile as well, cautiously trying to stand up. It's not that I wasn't happy to see them, I truly was. There was just a small part of me that held a doubt for myself. My eyes glanced around the entire area of the large room. There were a lot of people in here. What if I had an attack right in front of them? In front of the guys! I don't want to scare anyone off.

Shaking my head, I allowed myself to fully smile. Moving around the table, I slowly walked over to Steve who was the closest. He was shaking to make a move, but he didn't. Ruth might of told them to let me come to them instead of them approaching me. So I did. I let myself give Steve a tight hug with a huge smile on my face."Steve." I breathed, feeling him wrap his arms around my back.

"Your lookin' good, Luc." I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. They looked so much older than I remember.

"I've miss you Steve!" I said, pulling him into another hug. I wanted to stay like that for a much longer time, just hugging him, but Two-bit was waiting. I let him go and moved over to give Two-bit a hug. He jumped into my grasp and lifted me off the ground. Giggling, I closed my eyes."Louie!" he squealed causing me to giggle some more.

"Two-y!" I hollered in his tone. He chuckled, letting me down to stand in front of him. "Damn Louie, Steve-o is right. You're lookin good." I waved a hand at the both of them.

"Stop saying that." the three of us chuckled."Still can't take a complement?" Johnny said in a low voice. Two-bit and Steve moved apart for me to look down at Johnny. He leaned forward in his wheelchair, looking up at me with a wide smile."Never could." I answered, happy to finally see him. Slowly, I moved towards him to give him a hug. It was the best hug I think that Johnny has ever given me. No joke. He used to give me small hugs because he isn't really a hugger. But this hug just made my day. So much love and care inside of that hug, I feel like a new person almost."I've miss your hugs, Lucy." he told me.

"I miss everything about you, Johnnycakes." he tightened his grip just before letting go of me. Standing up straight, I looked up to the tall man that was Dallas Fucking Winston. He outstretched his arms to me, waiting for my hug. I walked over to him slowly, giving me a tight hug. When I pulled back, I kissed him on the cheek. Turning back around, he put a hand on my shoulders. All of the guys, including my brothers, were looking at me. I wrapped my arms around myself, giving myself a squeeze. Shutting my eyes, I giggled to myself."My boys." everyone chuckled at me as I opened my eyes. My brothers cleaned up the table before we all left to go back up to my room. Steve and Two-bit had an arm around me as we walked for the elevator. When we got there, all eight of us piled into the elevator, plus a nurse. Darry poked the fifth level button. He turned to the nurse, politely asker her which floor. She said three and he pressed the button before me started to get carried us to our levels. There was a small bing noise when we arrived at the third level. The nurse shuffled around all of us trying to get out. Just as she was leaving the elevator, the doors started to close on her. Darry quickly moved his arm in front of them to keep them from closing. She smiled sweetly at him, giving him the eyes.

"Thank you." she said in a smooth voice. Darry nodded as she walked away. Everyone looked after her as long as it was possible before the doors closed. I rolled my eyes at the boys as I got elbowed by Two-bit."What was that for?"

"Rolling your eyes." I rolled them again, standing on my toes to get in his face."You don't even know why I rolled them."

"Sure I do." we all exited the elevator on the fifth floor, Darry leading the way to my room.

"Enlighten me.""You rolled your eyes at us all looking at the nurse's butt." I raised my eyebrows at him."Okay, maybe you do know why I rolled my eyes." he chuckled at me as we all shuffled into my small room. I walked over to my bed as Dallas and Two-bit joined me. Everyone else scattered around the room in various places to sit or stand.

"How ya been, Louie?" Two-y asked."Great. Just missing you guys like crazy!"

"We've missed you like crazy!" Steve said as he leaned against the wall. I grinned over at him as I slowly looked through the room. Sighing, I let myself fall backwards into my pillow. Opening my eyes, I looked up at the ceiling.

"I've missed so much." I quietly whined to myself.

"Not all that much, Lu." Dallas said patting my leg. "Only thing you've missed is Ponyboy's balls dropping."

The room erupted with laughter as I sat up to look at Ponyboy blushing. He shoved Sodapop who was sitting next to him, pinching his cheek. I couldn't help but laugh at his face."Aw, Pone." I said, think I really did miss him going through puberty. "That is missing a lot, Dal."

"Nah." he breathed.

"What else have a missed besides balls?"

"He has a girlfriend." I leaned around Dallas to look at my younger brother.

"Why the hell hasn't anyone told me this sooner." I hollered throwing my hands in the air. "My baby brother has a deep voice and a girlfriend. What's next? Steve really likes guys?" the room laughed.

"No one told you because you would react like this." Pony said shoving Soda away again.

"What's her name?"

"She's not my girlfriend, yet." Pony proclaimed to the entire group. "Her name is Sherry Valance."

"Holy shit, that cheerleader chick?" I yelled, jumping off the bed. I moved quickly towards Ponyboy, standing in front of him.

"That girl that was dating Bob and…" I stopped and stood up straighter looking around the room. "She's friends with Julie." I shuttered at the thought."You wont believe who else is friends with Julie now a days." Dallas commented as the entire room hushed him. I looked at everyone before turning towards Dally."You have got to be kidding me…Rocky?" he nodded.

"She was supposed to come tonight you know, but Sodapop told us she wasn't allowed." I looked at Sodapop happily.

"That's because Soda knows that I can't deal with two faced people anymore."

"Rocky isn't two faced." Two-bit said, trying to defend her. I put my hand up in the air.

"We are not getting into this." I looked to Ponyboy again. "Can I meet her?"

"Sure…" he said with a skeptical expression. Rolling my eyes, I walked back over to the bed. It was quiet between everyone, until Ruth walked into the room. She jumped and gasped slightly."Goodness." she said placing a hand over her heart. "I forgot that all of you were here tonight."

"Hey Baby Ruthy!" Two-bit greeted Ruth by getting up and giving her a high-five. I giggled at my friend as she rolled her eyes and responded with Two-y hated name."Evening, Keith." the rest of us laughed as Two-bit moved to sit in front of me on the bed. Ruth walked over to the right side of the bed, standing next to me.

"How are you doing?""Amazing now that I have all my boys with me." I smiled at her. "How are you."

"I'm doing fine." her face wasn't enthusiastic as she looking around at the room. "I'm sorry to interrupt your reunion, but I must talk to you privately. It is the up most importance."

"Sorry boys, but is should be about time that we leave anyway." Sodapop said, standing up. Everyone stood in a line to give me a hug before they left. As I gave Dally a hug, I got down off the bed. Everyone got a quick hug before they started towards the door."See ya around, Louie." Two-bit told me as he and Steve left out the door. I gave Johnny a kiss on the cheek before he was wheeled out of the room by Dallas.

"Take it easy you guys." They mumbled answers to me as I hugged my brothers."Actually, Darrel, I'm going to need you to stay for this discussion." Ruth informed him as the three of them started out the door. He looked to our two brothers, handing Sodapop the keys.

"Get Johnny loaded and I'll meet you guys down there." Sodapop nodded before running back into the room to give me one last kiss.

"Love you Twiny."

"Love you. Night Pone, loves you!" I hollered as the two of them closed the door behind them."Love…" Pony was cut off as the door swung close. Darry took a seat next to me on the edge of the bed, waiting for Ruth to talk to us. She shuffled around in this big envelope that she was carrying. Pulling out a paper, she started to point to the information on it.

"This is the percentage of the brain activity of an average seventeen year old girl." she moved her finger across the page. "This is yours.""Holy cow." Darry commented taking the piece of paper from Ruth. "There is quite the difference, isn't there?"

"Yeah, why is that?" Darry asked concerned as he looked over at me. I gave him a shameful expression before leaning my head on his shoulder."We believe that Lucy's brain is over working itself. The part of the brain that stores her memories is flirting with her dream part of the brain, putting it simply. This is why she is having those episodes of momentarily unconsciousness."

"But I already know this, Ruth. What do you really have to tell me?" I asked not getting her mind tricky games.

"You are certainly a smart girl, catch on quickly." she complemented me as I sat up no longer leaning on Darry. I had a bad feeling about this."I also don't take complements well. Cut the bullshit, Ruth. Just tell me."

She shuffled through the papers again, moving holding out two more papers. "This is your percentage from when you first got here. This is the one from six months ago. And this one is from just a three weeks ago."

Each of the percentages were changing rapidly. "That's weird." I commented taking one of the papers

"And this is the one that I took yesterday. Remember when I did those brain scans…"

"Yeah…" I looked at the data and almost gasped. It was almost as high as the one when I first arrived at the institution.

"I fear that if it increases anymore, you will shut down into a coma. Do you understand?" I nodded to her slowly, glancing over at Darry."I know that you only have four more days before…the day we said you could leave. But I'm sorry, Lucy. I have to go back on my word. You can't leave until the percentage is in the safer range." I stood quickly from the bed, holding my hands out in front of me."You can't be serious…" I whined. "No, Darry she can't be serious."

"It is true, dear. I'm so sorry."

"Is this why you let them come to see me today?" Ruth nodded slowly as I tossed the piece of paper at her. Walking passed her, I started to let myself outside of the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Outside." I heard her gasp as the two of them started to follow me out the door. "It's been almost nineteen months since I've actually been outside. I'm going."

"It's dangerous to do that now, Lucy. With your mind…"

"I don't care anymore, Ruth. I just want to be normal." I sped up, running for the open elevator. Before I could reach it, Darry caught me by my stomach. Tears were sliding down my face as I fiercely tried to get away from him.

"I just want to feel the rain on my skin. To look up at the night sky. That's all I want." that wasn't half of what I wanted.

"No, Baby girl." Darry told me trying to restrain me.

"Darry." I sobbed letting myself grow limp in his grasp. Darry dragged me lightly back to my room, Ruth walking behind him."Why can't I be normal?" I cried out as Darry set me on the bed. Squeezing my eyes shut, I felt Darry's hand on my cheek. Blinking heavily, I saw the spots in my vision. I knew what was going to be happing soon. No more reality.


	9. He Saved Me

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from The Outsiders movie or book.

If this chapter is confusing and you need a little help just comment or message me. I'll do what I can to help everyone understand. It might be a while before I post the next chapter. Hope everyone enjoys.

(Language, suicidal themes in this chapter)

The _Italicized_ and underlined is her subconscious. It's not real, if anyone was wondering.

**Life Goes On**

_He Saved Me_

"How is she?" Sodapop asked Ruth as he wrung his DX cap in his hands nervously. He glanced my way as I sit up in bed, singing to myself.

"When you're weary. Feeling small. When tears are in your eyes. I will dry them all." I sung quietly, trying not to be able to hear their conversation.

"She wont talk to me still." Ruth sighed looking towards me. "Hasn't spoken a word to anyone in the last three days."

I was asleep for seven days this time. Seven! No seven hours, not seven minutes…days! All three of my brothers haven't been able to come down here to see me in the last three days that I've been awake either. It's just made me feel more alone than before. No one knows how I went through during those seven days. The worst part about it, it only felt like a few hours that I had been gone. I was more than upset when I found out it was seven days. A whole week of me screaming and sobbing. My brain is creating things up again. Not just memories or fake memories, it's making new ones.

During my time asleep, I faced tragedy. I relived through my parents death, but in a new way. It started out with the last memory I had in the locker room. Mom and Dad starting to leave for their picnic, just like that fateful day. I begged for them to stay, threatened them I would do something horrible if they left even. Mom feared my bluffs and forced me to go with them. In the back seat of my father's car, I sobbed for the truth. I was the only one to know what was going to happen.

It was like an entrance into on of my dreams, into one of my nightmares. Days, even weeks after they actually died, I had dreams and thoughts of how they died. What it felt like to get hit by a train. Or how they looked like sitting there in the blood, glass, dirt, and debris. The car was unable for us to continue it's way over the tracks as the train hurtled down the tracks. I sat staring down the train, waiting for it's impact. Mom was screaming for us all to get out of the car as Dad unlocked the doors. He was halfway out of the car when he was pulled back in by his seatbelt. Just as he turned to unfasten it, the train collided with the car.

When we finally stopped moving from the force of the train, I took a look at my parents. I was in severe pain but I didn't take any notice, my brain was focused on my parents dead bodies. Mom's head was caught in the steaming face of the train. Her head was almost severed off with it turned towards me with a tormented expression. When I looked at Dad, I sobbed for him to wake up. He was dead too. Instead of him laying there, his head popped up from the cracked window. Painfully he looked back at me with blood dripping down his face. I screamed at him to lay still, but he continued to turn.

Just as he was going to say something to me, blood spurred out from his mouth. Choking it all over himself and my face, he cleared his throat painfully. He attempted again to speak to me. His slurred speech was barely understandable.

'I'm sorry.' is what he said to me. Just after the words fell from his lips, he went limp as two firemen heaved the drivers side door off the car. I moved into a laying position, closing my eyes tightly. Screaming to the heavens, I begged God to take me from this place. To turn back time. To do anything in his power to change my parents fate. God heard my cries, I know he did. Because moments later, I was laying in my bed at the brain institution.

Paige then told me how relieved she was that I was awake. That I had been unconscious for an entire week. She immediately asked me what had happened and if I was alright. I didn't want to talk to her, I wanted my brothers. I wanted my life back. The last fucking thing I wanted was to talk to her about what I had just seen.

Now I lay here, waiting to die. If I'm dead, I wont be able to switch realities. I wont have to experience things twice any longer. But most importantly, my mind wont be able to think of horrible scenarios like the one I experienced those tragic seven days. My brothers wouldn't have to worry about me any longer either. It will all be over.

In the last three days, I've planned out my death. Since I'm under watchful eyes every moment of the day, there is only one way. Starvation. It's a hard and painful way to go, but it's better than going insane. I could jump off the building, but they wont let me off the floor or even out of my room because of the relapse. I say pity the relapse.

"I'm on your side. When times get rough, and friends just can't be found. Like a bridge over troubled water. I will lay me down, like a bridge over troubled water. I will lay me down." I sang to myself, trying to comfort myself with my mother's song of support.

"She hasn't eaten either, not even a drink of water." that's correct, I haven't, and I don't plan on starting now. They keep putting the IV on me, but I keep pulling it out in attempt to keep myself from getting hydrated. Ruth said she's afraid I'll bust a vein at how violently I pull it out. No hands are now strapped to the sides of my bed to keep myself from taking the IV out.

"You didn't tell us that." Sodapop said in an almost angered voice. "All you said was she was becoming difficult.""Well we didn't want to worry any of you." I've become quite weak from the lack of food in my system. If it wasn't for the shame of peeing in my bed, I would of just stayed in bed. I don't let them help me though, I don't want anyone's help. I don't want the IV. I want it to be over with already. This wouldn't even be half as hard as it is if it wasn't for everyone bothering me. Bringing me in plates of delicious food that, 'Benny made special for me.' as Paige would tell me.

"When you're down and out. When you're on the street. When evening falls so hard, I will comfort you." I sang quietly.

"What are you doing about this, Ruth?" Sodapop said angrily. "She looks horrible. You've got her strapped to the bed like a monster."

"It's for her own good, Mr. Curtis." she never calls him that, she must feel really unstable right now. Hell, she has no idea the definition of that word.

"Her own good? Are you people crazy?"

"She hasn't eaten for three days…if she doesn't get some nutrition, she will die." Ruth said in her defense. "The IV is there to give her vitamins that are essential to keeping her alive. Lucy has tried countless times to pull the IV from her vein. If she isn't going to eat, she must keep the IV in to keep hydrated."

"I'll take your part. When darkness comes and pain is all around. Like a bridge over troubled water. I will lay me down, like a bridge over troubled water. I will lay me down." singing these words, I kicked the blanket off my legs because it was hot in there. Soda turned away from Ruth, not wanted to hear her words. Tears were rolling down his cheeks as he clenched his fists at his sides.

"I'm going to call Darry and Pony to come down here. She needs her family. None of you understand that, she needs to be with her brothers." Ruth didn't say a word as she place a gentle hand on Sodapop's shoulder. She walked out the door as Soda pulled away from her to go over to the phone next to the couch. He plopped down with a heavy sigh, placing his hat on the side table. Racking his hands through his greasy hair, he turned to dial the home number.

"Sail on Silver Girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine. All your dreams are on their way." he looked over at me as he listened to the rings on the other end. Soda jumped slightly and looked away from me when someone answered the phone."Hey Darry." he said glancing at me again. I was barely sitting up as I continued to see him in my peripheral vision. My singing stayed at the same volume as he was on the phone, not really caring or noticing I was singing.

"Two-bit, let me talk to Darry." he commanded leaning back into the couch more. "I don't care what he's in the middle of, this is fucking important."

Sodapop doesn't curse that often, he must really be cocked up about this. I can't see why he would understand why I'm doing this. No one could ever understand. It'll be over if I want it to be over, they should be glad for me. I'm finally doing something productive to really get myself better. The therapy and tests didn't do anything, it's time to try something new.

"See how they shine. If you need a friend, I'm sailing right behind. Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind. Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind." I sang, conjuring up my new plan to take the IV from my arm without the use of my hands.

"Darry, it's worse than she told us." Sodapop sat up, leaning into the phone as he began to explain things to Darry. "Yeah."

Since that song was over, I decided to sing an old favorite from Elvis, Love me Tender. Its was just a song to sing to pass my time on this Earth. Sodapop went on talking to Darry like I wasn't even in the room.

"Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go. You have made my life complete, and I love you so."

"She hasn't eaten anything or drink anything for three days. Ruth said she wont cooperate either with having an IV." Soda said to Darry in a tight voice. He turned away from me slightly, looking towards the wall. "They have her strapped to the bed, Darrel."

Shit man, Sodapop never calls Darry by his real name. Soda was shaking his head, listening to Darry over the other line. "No. I haven't talked to her yet. I thought you might want to know what's going on."

"Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfilled. For my darlin' I love you, and I always will." I continued the song despite my pained stomach. It felt like it was eating itself.

"Yeah, that's her singin'." he looked over at me for a moment. "No….well yeah Dar. Are you coming down?"

"Love me tender, love me long, take me to your heart. For it's there that I belong, and well never part." Sodapop stood up from the couch, moving the blinds to look out the frosted window. They have plastic films over my windows to keep me from experiencing sunlight, shame isn't it.

"Yeah, I'm fine." he was lying. "Hurry the hell up, Dar. I don't like this."

Those were the last words that Sodapop said before hanging the phone up. Moments later he came walking over to the bedside. I kept my eyes on the ceiling as I continued to sing without much emotion.

"Love me tender, love me dear, tell me you are mine. Ill be yours through all the years, till the end of time." Sodapop touched my sore, raw wrist with his warm calloused hand.

"Lucy…baby what is going on?" he sounded almost desperate as I tried to get into my line of vision. I continued to stare forward, looking passed his head. "Please. Why are you doing this?"

Because I don't want to ever see those images again. I don't want to have another attack again. No more damn tests. No more fucking assumptions. Not even you can judge me, Sodapop.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Soda's voice was pained and hardened because he know the exact answer to that question. He didn't need to see the shit stains in my eyes to understand that I hated my life. My twin felt the pain I had, but wasn't able to fathom it. Tears were flooding his eyes as he pulled away from looking into my eyes. He wiped them away quickly and backed away from the bed.

"I'll be right back, okay?" he leaned forwards once to kiss my forehead, I closed my eyes and stopped breathing so I was unable to smell or see him. It would be it for me. Just smelling him would cause me to change my mind and apologize to him. My twin had that about him, an understanding that went more than skin deep. Soda patted my hand on the bed rail before walking around to leave the room. "Don't worry, I'm right here."

Sodapop left the room slowly, taking one last look at me before fully exiting. My plan was soon going into action as I tightly slid myself further down the bed. It hurt my wrists to move to such a limited position, but I continued to slide down. Breathing through my nose, I lifted my legs off the bed to reach above my head. I stared up at the bag of liquid with hatred and bitterness. This was the thing from keeping me from my goal. Soon, it shall not be an obstacle any longer.

With all my flexibility and might, I heaved my feet closer and closer to the bag. Holding one foot on the bar for balance, I used the other to try and pull the tube from the bag. It was no use, so I tried a different approach. Maneuvering my foot to lace around the tube, I yanked as hard as I could. This did no good either. Instead of getting my wish of having the tube fall from the bag, the entire bag fell from the bar. Letting my legs rest onto the bed, I tried to shimmy the bag down to my right hand.

It was a difficult task, which I quickly gave up on in fear I would loose the bag and not be able to get at it. Forcing my neck towards the bag of liquid, I took it in my mouth. Biting down on it, I felt my jaw pop from the pressure. Breathing heavily through my nose, I continued to bite down. The bag spilled all over my chest and face. Spitting some of the plastic and liquid from my mouth, I laid my head back to rest.

My deed was done, no more bag. Now I was uncomfortable by being wet and having to smell the disgusting scent of the liquid, but I didn't care. It was destroyed and was no longer a problem. Sighing to myself, I smiled in victory.

"When at last my dreams come true. Darling this I know, happiness will follow you. Everywhere you go." I finally finished the Elvis song with pride. Closing my eyes, I began Sodapop's song because he was on my mind now. Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers.

"Oh, my love, my darling. I've hungered for your touch; a long, lonely time. And time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much. Are you still mine? I need your love, I need your love. God speed your love to me."

"I'm doing fine, how about you?" Sodapop said as I heard him approaching the door. In my peripheral, I saw him and Paige entering the room. She carried a warm tray full of food. Holding my breathe for a spit second, I shut my eyes. Than I continued to sing, trying not to notice the divine scent of the food. "I'm alright, having see you and your…" Paige started to say as she entered, noticing the broken bag on my chest. Gasping, she hurried over to the table in the corner to set the tray down. Quickly, she came over to me without another word. Picking up the bag, she looked down at me disappointed. Soda came over to my other side, touching my wrist again. I continued to sing without any attention to them.

"Lonely rivers flow. To the sea, to the sea. To the open arms of the sea. Lonely rivers sigh. "Wait for me, wait for me", I'll be coming home; wait for me."

"That's my song." so he hasn't forgotten, I thought as Sodapop said that quietly to himself. Paige moved around the bed and called over her shoulder while hurrying out the door.

"Make sure she doesn't do anything else, Soda."

"Why?" he was asking. I'm not sure if he was talking to me, or himself. Or heck, even God.

"Oh, my love, my darling. I've hungered, hungered for your touch. A long, lonely time. And time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much. Are you still mine? I need your love, I need your love. God speed your love to me."

"How long are you going to keep this up, Lucy?" Ruth asked as she and Paige entered the room. She should know the answer that by now, it's more than clear.

She sighed, pushing Sodapop out of the way rudely. This really pissed me off. For the first time in three days, I made eye contact with someone. Glaring at her, she looked taken aback. I knew how I was making her feel, like she had failed again. I'm just another failed experiment to her. Just another fucking case to put in her filing cabinet. Her frustration was understandable. But she was taking that shit out on my twin brother, and that bothered me to no end. She waited for me to say something, which I did.

"Don't ever push my brother again, you got that?" she took a glance at Sodapop, who didn't really seem to notice she pushed him. Ruth gave me a little smile."So now you want to talk to me?" I shook my head at her, resting it back onto the pillow. "You throw empty threats at me…but you wont say anything else?"

"Ruth, lets just get her cleaned up."

"No, I want to see how tough she really is. Keith, Sodapop, and all of her little friends have told me countless stories of her bravery, resilience, and hot head. But I don't see that before me." I looked back at her, feeling threatened. She leaned over into my face, her glasses falling down the bridge of her nose."Do you know what I see, Lucy?" I glanced at Sodapop, taking in his emotion. Fuck, I'm loosing this battle. "I see a little girl that has given up. Not even something to show for it either.""Shut your mouth." I warned, trying to sit up."Lucy, do you have something to say now? You ready to make some real progress, or have you given up for real?"

"I said shut your fucking mouth." I screamed, causing my straps to tighten around my skin as I lunged towards the old woman. She smirked at me, glancing over at Paige. "You don't understand anything."

"Tell me what you really think, Lucy." I let out a painful cry, trying to kick at her with my right leg. She backed away from the bed, pointing down at me with her long, wrinkled finger. "What is your real problem? You doing this because you mad at me or something?"

"Fuck you, Ruth." I said spitting at her angrily. "Why the hell are you doing this? Just let me fucking die!"

Sodapop had begun to cry as he backed up into the wall. I took a quick glance at him, feeling blood trickle from my wrists. My struggle intensified as I flailed all over the place, trying to get free. Tears formed in my eyes as I felt my body contort in pain. I banged my head onto the pillow and screamed for about three minutes before I let my tired body go limp.

"Feel better?" Ruth asked, cautiously walking towards me."No." I mumbled being very stubborn. Truth be told, freaking out like that did make me feel better. Problem now was that I think I scared everybody.

"Are you done now?" Ruth asked me as I looked over at her angrily. Without a word, I let frustrated tears fall down my face. I looked over to Sodapop, who was cowering into the corner. letting out a sob, I turned my head fully towards him."Oh God, Soda." I said hitting my head onto the pillow again. "I'm sorry Twiny. Fucking-A."

He walked over to the bed hesitantly, clearing off his face. "Stop that right now!" he ordered touching my head to stop me form hurting myself further."Soda…" I sobbed. "I don't want to be like this!"

"I know, baby. But you gotta keep trying." I shook my head, not wanting to go on any further. He doesn't understand. No one does. But the feeling is gone, the need to die. Thanks to my twin. He saved me, yet cursed me. Damn him.


	10. Good Moods and Sunshine

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from The Outsiders movie or book.

If this chapter is confusing and you need a little help just comment or message me. I'll do what I can to help everyone understand. It might be a while before I post the next chapter. Hope everyone enjoys.

(Language, suicidal themes in this chapter)

The _Italicized_ and underlined is her subconscious. It's not real, if anyone was wondering.

**Life Goes On**

_Good Moods and Sunshine_

"Hey, Ponyboy." my kid brother looked up from his book that rested on his stomach. He laid in my bed as I walked from the bathroom with a towel over my wet head. His eyes glanced at me in question as I leaned into the bed frame. Ruffling my hair with the towel, I looked off into the distance.

"How many days has it been since…" he interrupted me, already knowing what I was asking. It had been the fourth time in the last day that I've checked with him if the number was true."Eight." I opened my mouth, going to ask if he was sure. "Yes, I'm sure. Now quite asking me that."

"I just can't believe it, Pony." I sat down on the bed, next to his feet. When I glanced at Pony, he was reading his book again. He knew I couldn't believe it had been eight days since I've had an attack. Ponyboy has listened to me ramble and go on about my disbelief. I thank God that he has the patience to listen to me. Sodapop would too, but he has to work tonight, Ponyboy is the next best thing. Don't get me wrong, Darry is great, but he doesn't understand as much as they do.

"I love you, Ponyboy." it was barely a whisper as I laid down next to my younger brothers legs. I laid on my side, staring at the empty corner with ease. Pony reached down to me. With my right hand, I grabbed a hold of his warm hand not wanting to let go. He whispered just as quietly as I did."Love you too." I knew he did, it's just nice to hear it sometimes. Kissing the back of his hand, I let my head rest on the mattress next to his torso. Today I was in much better spirits that a week ago. I'm eating again, no longer suicidal. Ruth took another scan of my brain, the day after I freaked out. She said it wasn't my fault that I was loosing control of myself. The data showed that I was literally, not in my right mind. It's not exactly a happy thought, to be told your crazy I mean. But I already knew that, so I guess I'm just shit outta luck.

"When I want you in my arms. When I want you and all your charms. Whenever I want you, all I have to do is drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream." I sang happily to myself and Pony. He tightened his grip on my hand, remembering the song.

"When I feel blue in the night, and I need you to hold me tight. Whenever I want you, all I have to do is drea-ea-ea-ea-eam. I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine. Anytime night or day. Only trouble is, gee whiz, I'm dreamin' my life away." I could hear Darry's large boots walking down the hallway from the food room. Ponyboy scooted over so that the both of us were fully on the bed. It was a lot more comfortable so I was glad he moved. He let my lay my head onto his shoulder, even if my hair was wet. Smiling, I looked at the door as Darry walked through the door with Two-bit on his toes.

"I need you so that I could die. I love you so and that is why. Whenever I want you, all I have to do is drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream, drea-ea-ea-ea-eam. I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine. Anytime night or day. Only trouble is, gee whiz, I'm dreamin' my life away." Ponyboy tapped his foot as sang sweetly to the two boys entering the room.

"Yeah, she's singin'" Two-bit almost cheered as he went to sit on the couch across from the bed. A huge grin graced his face as he looked at me excitedly. Darry chuckled as he handed Ponyboy his Pepsi and sat down in the chair next to the bed.

"I need you so that I could die. I love you so and that is why. Whenever I want you, all I have to do is. Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream. Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream." I finished the song and laid my cheek on Ponyboy's chest. His heart was beating heavily against his chest, causing my cheek to move up and down. It was a nice rhythmic sound that relaxed me even further. Reluctantly, I sat up to toss my towel back into the bathroom. While I was in there, I cleaned up the rest of my clothes and placed them into the corner. Two-bit yelled to me from outside of the room, peeking his head in.

"Dally should be here with Johnny." he told me as I turned to find a huge grin on his face. "You should sing to him."

"I will." I answered, smiling back. "Do you remember your song?"

"Hell yeah, I do." Two-y said proudly. Stepping forward towards Two-bit, I leaned into the doorway. Giving him a crazed look, I shook my hips and began his song with glee.

"You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain. Too much love drives a man insane. You broke my will, oh what a thrill. Goodness gracious great balls of fire." Two-bit took my hands, laughing crazily and joining into the song.

"I learned to love all of Hollywood money. You came along and you moved me honey. I changed my mind, looking fine. Goodness gracious great balls of fire." Darry and Ponyboy laughed as the two of us shook and sang the song loudly.

"You kissed me baba, woo...it feels good. Hold me baba, learn to let me love you like a lover should. Your fine, so kind. I'm a nervous world that your mine, mine, mine, mine-ine." Two-bit and I swung back and forth, letting my wet hair slap water all over the walls. I giggled at Two-bit's crazy smile and his imitation of Jerry Lee Lewis. He stuck his fingers out in the air, pretending to play the piano loudly.

"Cut my nails and I quiver my thumb. I'm really nervous but it sure is fun. Come on baba, you drive me crazy. Goodness gracious great balls of fire. Well kiss me baba, woo-oooooo...it feels good. Hold me baba, I want to love you like a lover should. Your fine, so kind. I got this world that your mine, mine, mine, mine-ine."

"Woo!" Pony hollered, clapping his hands into a perfect rhythm. I turned as I heard another pair of hands from the doorway. Johnny sat smiling into the room with Dallas leaning against the doorway. Glancing at Two-bit, he smiled at me and nodded. Throwing my arms up, I created an air guitar for Johnny. Tossing my hips back and forth, I started to sing Johnny's song with pride.

"Deep down in Louisiana close to New Orleans. Way back up in the woods among the evergreens. There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood. Where lived a country boy named Johnny B. Goode. Who never ever learned to read or write so well. But he could play the guitar just like a ringin' a bell." the room erupted into claps and smiles as I sang. Johnny came more into the room with the help of Dallas. Even he was smiling and clapping with Johnny B. Goode rhythm. Everyone soon sang the chorus as I joined into their clapping.

" Go, go, go Johnny go, go." we repeated as Two-bit came over to spin me around in his arms. "Johnny B. Goode"

I seized the singing to giggle and give Johnny a big hug. "I'm glad you came Johnnycakes."

"Me too. That was some singin'." he commented as Darry agreed.

"Sure is, I haven't seen you this happy since last year when you found out you made the gymnastics team." good times, I thought. Old times."How about your song Dar?" I asked with a smile. He had two songs, because that was just the way it was. Dad decided that Darry's song would be by someone the both of them loved, Bo Diddley. Darry listened to them when he was a kid almost as much as he breathed air. Dad thought that Road Runner was his song because it was one of Darry's favorites. But Mom thought differently. When Darry was around the age of eight, he really started to act as though he was older. Mom would tease him for always trying to act older even though he was just a kid, so she gave him the song I'm A Man by Bo Diddley.

"Now when I was a little boy, at the age of five. I had somethin' in my pocket. Keep a lot of folks alive. Now I'm a man, made twenty-one. You know baby, We can have a lot of fun." I sang to Darry with a smile on my face and a beat on my leg. He nodded his head sharing a bright grin with me.

"I'm a man, I spell M-A-N...man. All you pretty women. Stand in line, I can make love to you baby. In an hour's time. I'm a man, I spell M-A-N...man. I goin' back down, to Kansas too. Bring back the second cousin, Little John the conqueroo." singing, I swaggered over to the couch and plopped down throwing my arms in the air.

"I'm a man, I spell M-A-N...man. The line I shoot, will never miss. The way I make love to 'em, They can't resist. I'm a man, I spell M-A-N...man." I chuckled as I let my head fall back onto the back of the couch. The room went silent, so I glanced over at everyone.

"I love you guys." I said trying to share my magnificent mood with everyone. I'm not sure what everyone would have said, but Paige came and poked her head in the room."How ya doing?" she asked me looking passed all the boys.

"Great." I answered truthfully.

"Sorry gentlemen, but it's time for Lucy's to go talk with Ruth." I didn't bother to put my shoes on as I walked throughout the room to leave. Giving the guys a smile and a wave, I left not knowing who would still be there when I was done with my daily session Ruth. Paige walked down the hall next to me, waving to me as she turned the corner. Without knocking, I busted right into Ruth's room and sat down on the leather chair with my legs crossed.

"Hey Ruth." I said still in a great mood."Oh, you seem happy." she commented, shuffling through some paper work.

"I am. I was singing and dancing around with the guys. I'm so glad they visit now, it makes me feel a lot more at home." Ruth nodded her head, not really listening to what I said. It sort of annoyed me but I didn't mention it.

"Had any episodes lately?"

"None since the week long one." she nodded again offhandedly.

"That's wonderful dear." I nodded to her as she looked up from her desk finally.

"So, do you think I might be able to leave this place anytime soon?" I was blunt and straight forward. I was tired of being in this damn mental hospital, I want out.

"No, dear." I glared at her head, waiting for it to explode, but nothing happened. She just continued to look through and write on the papers scattered on her desk. Patiently, I waited for her to continue. Ruth made no other comment except for 'No, dear'.

"Why the hell not?" I asked finally loosing my patients.

"Calm down, Lucy. Remember what we talked about the other day.." I rolled my eyes and muttered my answer.

"Lashing out is a sign of weakness. Control your emotions and you control yourself…yeah I know." I defended my point though. "I'm a mental teenage girl…I have the right to lash out at people."

"You do not dear." she didn't get that I was joking, trying to change my thinking.

"Okay, okay. Well, I still don't see why I can't leave. It's been eight days since I've had an attack. That's making progress."

"But your percentage hasn't gone down at all. You could still loose consciousness at any moment, be down for more than just a week this time. Is that what you want?" I shook my head no, but my heart was saying yes. Standing up, I started to walked towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Back to my room, we are done for today." she sighed, waving me to leave. Once I was in the hallway, I put my new plan into action. Slowly, sneakily; I made my way to the elevator. Checking to see if the coast was clear, I jumped inside and pocked the button for the lobby. There was a huge, goofy smile on my face as the elevator traveled down. I just have moments until I'm out of this building and smelling the fresh air.

Looking left and right, I made sure I was able to get to the front door without a problem. Casually, I walked to the large, clear double doors. They slid open as two ladies walked in carrying a bundle of flowers. Taking a deep breath, I took my time to get out the door. I could already feel the light breeze on my face. The moment my bare feet touched the warm ground, I let a smile fall onto my lips.

I walked down the cement pathway to the parking lot just in front of the building. The second I spotted Darry's truck, I sped up. Walking over to it, I felt like hugging it almost. I loved this truck. With little effort, I heaved myself into the bed of the truck. There were cement bags that I happily sat on and leaned on the back window. Leaning my head back, I closed my eyes.

Inhaling hair through my nose, I relaxed even more. Being outside was much more than I thought it would be. It was like having a humongous pressure being lifted from my body. The wind blew through my damp hair and gave me chills. The sun's rays beat down on my white skin, warming me timidly. Clouds moved in front of the sun, but I didn't care. Everything was perfect out here. I wanted to stay out here for the rest of my life. Holding onto this moment of serenity and peace, I sighed.

"What the fuck are you doing out here?" Dallas. Fucking. Winston. I jumped at the sound of his voice.


End file.
